Um...7 Years? Oops!

So yeah...just came across my blog that I was writing 7 YEARS AGO!! I must apologize to any of you that was wondering what had happened to me...and my children. So I'm pretty sure nobody will read this but on the occasion that someone might stop by...let me catch you up.

My daughter, Amaris Joy was born on Thanksgiving day 11/25/10 at 4:31 am. She weighed 8 lbs and was 20" long.

The name Amaris is Hebrew and means, "God's promise or God promises".  After her big brother, Gabriel died, my prayer was that God would fill me with joy once again.  That was His promise to me and He fulfilled that.  That is why we named her Amaris Joy (God promises joy).
She came into this world, giving me an exciting birth story...3 hour labor, barely made it to the hospital, lucky it was a holiday otherwise she would have been born in the car, and she was born 9 minutes after we got to the hospital.  My husband didn't even get a chance to park the car.  I laugh thinking about that day.  Such joy! Such joy!
I remember laying there on the bed and all of a sudden, there she was, crying on my chest.  My joy. My promise.  The one I had been waiting a long time for.
She was a beautiful baby! Now she is a beautiful 6 year old. I've been told by many, who don't know my story, how sweet she is and the joy they can see in her.  It makes my heart happy.  She is my Sweet Pea (yes, I still call her that) and my Amaris Joy.

My tooth-less girl! :)

So...fast forwarding a couple more years...
My last child, Samuel Jesse was born 12/20/2012 at 11:21 pm and weighed 8.1 lbs.  The name Samuel means "God hears" and the name Jesse means "gift of God".
After losing Gabriel, it was my hope and prayer to have another son that I could be a mother to, here on earth.  God heard my prayer and blessed me with Samuel.

Samuel is now a crazy 4 year old.  Always busy, noisy, and silly but can be very dramatic at times.  He's a strong kid.  Not only physically but strong-willed as well.  He's my baby.  Our last.  #6.

Trying to find a recent picture of him without a goofy look on his face is not an easy task...so this is what I found.  He's enjoying the ocean.

Halayna is now 11 years old and beautiful!

We still talk about Gabriel.  Halayna doesn't remember a lot.  I've told Amaris and Samuel about their big brother.  Amaris understands that Gabriel is in heaven.  Samuel doesn't but we still talk about him.  Because of Gabriel, my children have somewhat of a clear understanding of death.  They're very aware of the fact that death is very much a part of life.  It's hard (for me) that they have had to learn about it at such a young age but would that make it easier on them later on?  It's a question I've asked myself numerous times.

7 years.

Gabriel would be 7 years old. I can't even imagine my life with him...I couldn't imagine it without him...this journey has been long...and it's still going.  Yes, my grief is different today then 7 years ago but is still there with me like an unwanted guest at times.  Grief visited me today even...
My husband and I took our kids to the zoo today.  We don't often have days off together and thought it was a good time to do something nice for the kids.  The whole time I'm worried about where each kid was at all times (typical mother right?).  Even when I saw all 3 of my kids standing in front of me, I thought, "nope, somethings not right...who am I missing?"  This thought often comes to mind in various circumstances.  Then I remember "oh yeah, there is somebody missing."  And grief comes on by and hangs out for a bit.  This is the journey.

I still write in my grief journal...not often though.  I will write sometimes on Gabriel's birthday.  It's mostly a letter that I write to him.  Maybe I'll post some here...or do I wait another 7 years?  Ahhhhh what my life will be like in another 7 years...

Update...finally!

I apologize for the lack of blogging lately. With the move and setting up the house and no internet access from home, I've definetely slacked on my blog. So my apologies and wanted to let you know that no, I have not fallen off the face of the earth. So here's a few updates.

End of August. Our house was moved and have spent much time getting it set up. We are STILL in the process of unpacking some boxes and trying to get rid of things we don't need anymore. What a chore! But a good distraction from my grief.

September. It was a hard month. I tried to figure out why it was so hard but as I've learned with grief, there is no rhyme or reason for feeling bad. Grief is a rollercoaster. I did have an ah-ha moment when I realized my nephew's 2nd birthday was coming up. My second baby (first miscarriage) was due two days after my nephew was due. That reason along with the fact that it was getting closer to October and the time I lost Gabriel may be the reason.
A lot of tears...

Beginning of October. I'm feeling a little better this month which is odd to me. Thinking I would be having a hard time...maybe when it get's closer to the end of the month. Not sure.
I am 33 weeks pregnant now. I do find myself thinking about how much "Sweet Pea" is moving (like right now :)) and loving every bit of it. I am just so happy to be here pregnant with her. I will be having an ultrasound next week just to make sure everything is going well. My midwife said, if anything, for peace of mind. Am I worried? Not too much. I'm nervous but not about the ultrasound necessarily as just being at the 34 week mark which is when Gabriel died. I am being hopeful and positive though and I really think "Sweet Pea" will be fine!

I still think of Gabriel everyday. His first birthday is coming up so that's probably why he's on my mind a lot. I talk about him still. Look at his pictures and cry or smile because he was so beautiful. I miss him terribly. I even am feeling irritated again that I don't have him. It passes rather quickly but it's still there. I still want him. I pray about him often. Here I am almost a year after his death and it's still hard. I think it will always be hard. Having to bury your child is just so unnatural. Or maybe it's not but just feels like it.
Being an American, we have so much. If we want it, we find a way to have it. But this is one thing that there is no way to have even though I want it badly enough. Maybe that's why loss is so hard for us to deal with sometimes. Maybe it's hard for everyone, no matter their circumstances. I guess I just know what I'm going through at this time in my grief.

Thank you all for your continued prayers for our family. I will ask for you to continue as I get closer to the 34 week mark and closer to Gabriel's birthday. I don't want to be a miserable person on or around his birthday. I want to look at it as a gift rather than something that was taken away from me. And I know in order to achieve that, I'll need prayer. I'll need the Lord to help me through it. "Lord, help me and my family through these next few weeks."

Busy...moving

Sorry I haven't posted a new blog lately. Our family has been incredibly busy in a good way. We're in the process of moving. A big event in our lives since we have only lived in one place together. We're actually going to be living in the same house, only a different location.
All of this has kept me quite busy so there's little time to think about "stuff". However, I still think of Gabriel everyday and miss him everyday. I'm really looking forward to setting up a "place" for him in our house at our new location. And have been thinking about it a lot.

On another note...a while back I was talking to a mother about the birth of her new baby boy. And I can say for the first time, I wasn't jealous or angry or annoyed. I was genuinely happy for her. I didn't have to pretend at all! It was such a wonderful feeling! She asked me if I had a son...and I told her that I did but that he passed away. I've been finding it easier to tell people of him. I don't tell everyone, it depends on the situation and the person. But mentioning him keeps him alive in some way. That yes, he did exist. And it still talk about him. I'm still comparing this pregnancy to his and Halayna's.

All in all, I've been feeling pretty good. Although, when I was packing, I was a little heartbroken at the fact, I wasn't packing any boy toys or boy clothes. But got through it and will still get through it as we go to unpack the lack of boy things.

As always, I'm very thankful for your continued prayers!

The Stone

It's kind of hard to see...his name is in the middle. Here's what it says:

Gabriel James

Born into the arms of Jesus

on October 30, 2009

Thanks to my friend, Charity who took this photo!

I haven't been to the cemetary since this was taken. There's no peticular reason. I think about going, it just doesn't happen. And it's not really a place I want to go alone...I guess I just don't really like going to cemetaries. I don't think of Gabriel as being there. I think of him in Heaven playing and laughing with Jesus and his family and other little children. I am hoping to at least get to the cemetary on his birthday to honor his memory. Maybe bring some flowers or a pinwheel (I have two still!).

I still think of Gabriel everyday but haven't cried for a while. It's hard to imagine what he'd be like now at 9 months if he would have lived. It's hard to think of what your child would have been like when you never got a chance to meet them.

I do know one thing, he would have been as beautiful as the day he was born!

And now the tears come...

Loving you, missing you, thinking of you, everyday...baby boy.

The Graveside Service

I was going through Gabriel's box of memorabilia. I got a bit choked up and teary-eyed. I thought it would be nice to share some things with you.


We had a private Graveside Service for Gabriel. Here's some pictures. Sorry some are blurry.

The urn was with Grandpa's ashes. Gabriel and Grandpa Wodtke were buried together. The flowers in the vase were for Gabriel. The patriotic flowers were for Jim.

Each of us put a flower on the casket.

Daddy

Grandma

Grammy and Halayna

Papa

Halayna

Aunt Carrie

Grammy

Aunt Hyunjin


Goodbye our sweet Gabriel. Until we see you again in Heaven...

I was looking in the book that people signed at the memorial service. Here are some of what they wrote that I thought was really sweet.

"I will see you in Heaven. Love you baby Gabriel."

"The Archangel Gabriel needs some help in the heavenlies so he summoned my grandson Gabriel to join him. Can't wait to join him someday." -Papa

"Gabriel, we loved you before you were born and will be able to love you in heaven again one day."

"Gabriel will always hold a special place in all our hearts, he will be remembered always."

"Little perfect one. You really missed a wonderful family here on earth, but they know you are with our Heavenly Father, peaceful, happy and never will know a tear, pain, or sorrow. Send a little of peace to those who will miss you."

"Sweet Pea"

Tears burned my eyes tonight as I looked at Gabriel's ultrasound picture. It's hard to go back to that moment when he was alive and to now be in this moment knowing he is not.

I have had such joy and excitement yesterday and today since seeing "Sweet Pea". But there is that other family member not getting to celebrate his younger sibling.


Before the ultrasound, I still had not decided yet if I wanted to know the gender of the baby. I didn't finally decide until the ultrasound tech. told me to decide quickly since she wanted to look at the baby's blatter. I had been thinking it would be fun to be surprised again but I felt like knowing if this was a boy or girl would give me a better connection with the baby. I feel like maybe I would have had a better connection with Gabriel if I had known he was a boy. So that's when I told the tech. that yeah I wanted to know.

I wasn't too surprised when we found out the gender. If you've read my other postings and if you know about all my children, you'd know that there seems to be a pattern of genders. First was a girl, Halayna. Second, even though I don't know for sure, I thought it was a boy. Third, still not knowing for sure, I thought it was a girl. Fourth was Gabriel, all boy! So, obviously this has to be a....girl! And I couldn't be happier. Was I hoping for a boy? No. I was hoping for a healthy, normal baby. I smile when I think of "Sweet Pea." She is beautiful and I can't wait to meet her in November!

Thank you all my faithful blog readers for sharing in this happiness with me!

Ultrasound

I had a bit of joy today!
I got to see my precious, sweet #5!
And yes, I was very nervous going in! My heart was probably beating just as fast as Baby's! The ultrasound tech. went over everything and it all seemed fine which eased my mind!

We came home and compared ultrasound pictures with Halayna's and Gabriel's. We think Baby looks like Gabriel based off of the profile ultrasound pictures.

I was filled with such joy just watching my baby moving around on the screen.

We did find out the gender and I will post it here later.
For now, we'll call baby #5, "Sweet Pea".