Defeated...

Well...today I feel extremely defeated.

Maybe it's just raging PMS that is causing me to be so irritated. I don't know but as soon as I entered the walk-in freezer at work, I felt defeated, angry, upset, annoyed, sad...ahhh yes, probably PMS symptoms.

I had a hard time focusing at work. I even had a mini cry session in the back. I don't think anyone heard my sniffles. I hope not at least.
It was my last day at that peticular store. I am transferring to a much closer-to-home store on Monday. I started there right after Daniel and I were married a little more than 7 years ago so it's a happy/sad transfer.

I think a lot is going on right now that is just sucking the energy out of me.

I have been trying sooooooo hard to be happy for "friends" that are on their second baby. So I'm done. I don't care anymore. I don't have the energy anymore.

I feel like screaming...IT'S NOT FAIR!!!!!!!!!!!! And it's not.

I flushed pieces of my second baby down the toilet. I handed my third baby off to my midwife in a plastic sandwich baggy. And buried my fourth baby. In the last 5 years, I have been pregnant 4 times and I have only one child to hug.

What does God want from me?

So many people have said that through this experience, I will get to "help" others. Help them how? Their babies die so that I have some worth? So I will be able to "help" them? How can I help anyone when I am feeling so defeated?

My brother told me that he and his wife are expecting...again. Automatically, the thought pops into my mind "so is their baby going to die so I can walk down this awful road with them? Is this who I am going to be 'helping'?" Of course I hope not. At the same time I was thinking, what if their baby lives? Then it happens again. I am left with nothing but heartbreak when they're rejoicing with a new baby. Feelings of 2008 flooding back to my mind.

I just want another baby. But this life is so hard to live. I find myself asking why I would even think about bringing another person into such a hard life. Why do I have such a desire?
So many people have told me Gabriel and the other two are better off in heaven. Sure. I don't doubt that for a second. So then, why should I care so much? I know people say those things to try to be comforting. But it doesn't really help. Not right now. I can't see my children in heaven. I can't kiss their cheeks or hug them. I can't hear their laughter or snuggle them when they cry. I have been totally ripped off.

I am just so frustrated. I feel so defeated. So alone. So rejected.

I was feeling great a week ago. Now, I feel like I did two months ago. Back down in the awful pit of grief. And it sucks. Big time.

Like I said, maybe it's overactive crazy girl horomones...maybe, just maybe, I'll feel better in another week.

Lord, I am in agony. I don't know what else to pray for besides help. So I'll keep it simple. Lord, help me please.