But there's always that "thought" in the back of my mind. What if this one, too, doesn't make it. Then God reminds me to trust Him. And I feel like I'm really trying. Putting this circumstance, this pregnancy, in His hands. There's really nothing else I can do anyways. But there's still a little fear...and I know fear is not of the Lord. So does that mean I'm not trusting Him enough? Or is this just another part of grief?
I guess maybe it's because I was really confident and trusting when I was pregnant with Gabriel and when he died, I felt really let down. Almost rejected...by God. And of course, I don't feel that now. I know that's a lie. God is perfect, He would never reject His children. I know that is truth. I'm just wondering if that is where this "fear" comes from.
Anyways, my prayer lately has been that I just don't want to be so sad anymore. I've been praying for the Lord to really restore joy in me. I want to be truly happy again.
I noticed a friend had her baby. Her second, a boy. And I saw a picture of him. I actually don't remember feeling jealous. I definately wasn't jumping up and down with joy but for the first time, I wasn't envious. Of course, I thought, how it would have been for me if Gabriel would have lived and how he would have looked just born. And that made me feel a little sorry for myself and a bit teary-eyed (of course that's been happening a lot with these raging horomones). But it was freeing to not feel that! Another part of grief that I've been praying about.
I've been trying to remember to pray the Lord's Prayer everyday. I'd love to do it every morning but sometimes I forget until I'm laying in bed at night and then I pray it. I would suggest that you too, might want to try it. Read it, repeat it, think about it, and then pray it. At least that's what I've been doing. Remember that book I told you I was reading? The one about the Lord's prayer? Well, I got to a section that was explaining it like this.
Our Father who is in heaven,
Let Your name be holy...on earth as it is in heaven.
Your kingdom come...on earth as it is in heaven.
Your will be done...on earth as it is in heaven.
So I tried it this way, this morning...the wee hours of 4:45 am...
My Father who is in heaven,
Let Your name be holy...TODAY...on earth as it is in heaven.
Your kingdom come...TODAY...on earth as it is in heaven.
Your will be done...TODAY...on earth as it is in heaven.
Definately a different way to look at the first part of the Lord's prayer. And then I prayed the rest of the prayer, while somewhat personalizing it.
I just think it's a really good way to pray. And when you aren't sure how to pray or what to pray for, at times, this really comes in handy!
On a whole different note...a little while ago I was thinking of my memories with Gabriel. A helpful way to grieve sometimes, is to remember the good memories of your loved one that has died. In my case, that's been difficult since there aren't a whole lot. But I thought I'd share a few of my pregnancy memories with you. A little piece of my baby boy you might not of known!
Things that made me feel sick or nauseated: Chicken, onion, garlic, brushing my teeth/tongue (gag feeling).
I craved salty foods and pasta with cream sauces.
I heard his heartbeat for the first time at my first appt. at 12 weeks along.
I felt him move the very first time at 16 weeks.
Daniel first felt him while we were camping at the coast with my family.
His ultrasound picture looked a lot like Halayna's. He had the same nose as her's.
He usually woke up around 11pm at night for all the somersaults and high activity!
Ready for this one? Since we didn't know what gender the baby was, we joked that is must have been a boy since he would wake up during and after intercourse...hehehe
His precious hiccups were very low...
He liked putting his feet up into my right ribs. I would periodically push them back down! :)
Sweet, sweet, memories.
Here he is.
Gabriel James Wodtke, Born into the arms of Jesus, October 30, 2009.
Lori. I was doing fine reading this post until the end. And then I saw him, and the tears came again.
ReplyDeleteI pray for you my friend, on a regular basis.
You are such a precious woman.
I am elated for you and your new baby!!! Can't tell you HOW excited I am :)
Love you so very much.