Before he died.

This picture was taken at the zoo on or near Halayna's 4th birthday (October 13, 2009). In the picture with me is my sister, Carrie and the boy she nannies, Justin.

I was 7 months pregnant here. Just a couple of weeks before Gabriel died.

I can now look at this picure and smile as I remember being very happy and excited to meet this little one. But it also makes me want to cry for that same reason. How happy I was before he died.

I was thinking about Gabriel last night. Remembering the thoughts I had the morning before I found out he died. On the way to the hospital thinking everything would be fine and that he was ok. It's hard to go back to those days and relive the thoughts I had. But I still go back. I go back to that same day often.
Last night when I was reliving those memories I thought about how I wished I had more time with him. More time to just hold him, look at him. He was born Friday morning at 8:06 am on October 30. I had to give him up Saturday sometime around noon I think on October 31. One day. It doesn't seem fair. But would one more day make it better? Probably not. Because then I would probably still think, I wish I had more time with him.


I have scheduled my first ultrasound. It's in two days. And naturally, I'm excited and nervous. I just want baby #5 to be healthy and well. I find myself getting scared and upset when baby isn't moving a whole lot. And I know that's understandable. I don't want to be in this constant state of fear. If I could just turn it off, I would. How can I? When I am feeling fearful, I pray. The Lord says "trust me". And I ask Him to help me to. Then I usually feel better because I know the Lord will take care of me. I just want this baby so badly. I want this baby to live! To cry when he/she is born.

Oh Lord, I cry out to you for peace. Oh Lord, please give me peace.