Positive and Confident

I can be honest and say that like the last week or week and a half have been hard on me. I've been constantly thinking about my son, Gabriel and missing him more than you can imagine. I've had a couple of dreams about him but nothing happy. I don't remember them I just remember the feeling after I woke up from them. And it wasn't an uplifting feeling.

The journey of grief takes you to so many different places and different thoughts. It changes you like you thought could never happen. So here I am trying to learn about the new me. Does that make sense? Trying to figure out who I really am now...

I went to church on Sunday where we heard the Worship pastor speak. He talked about passions. Our passions and how we could use them in the church or to benefit others.
That made me think about my passions. What are my passions? I always thought I knew what they were. But I think they kind of died with Gabriel. Or maybe just during this season of grief, they've died.
One passion of mine was crafts. How I usually love to create, to make things for not just myself but for others as well. I've had very little interest in spending a lot of time in my craft room. There were a few days that I was in there working on crafts but it ended. I am hoping it will come back.
Another passion was health. Eating healthy, being healthy. This one I've had tremendous conflict with. The fact that I was trying so hard to be healthy while being pregnant with Gabriel and how it didn't matter. It did no good. And it's not that I did a complete 180 and now I eat terribly. I still am trying to be healthy and natural but I find myself not caring so much anymore.
In fact I find myself not caring about a lot of things. Maybe this is just a process of grief. I used to be such a positive, confident person...at least that's what I think. I was very positive and confident about Gabriel and was for certain he was God's way of redeeming my two miscarriages. And when he died my confidence was shattered. All gone! Being positive is hard for me now. Something I have to really try hard for. When Gabriel died, it was a slap in the face that seemed to say, "take that you positive person!"
My mom has told me that she learned how important it is to be positive when you're pregnant. That what you say can affect the baby long term. And I agree. But I'm finding it so hard. How can I be positive and confident like I was with Gabriel? Especially since he died? I try and try but deep down inside I'm hoping everyday that my baby's heart is still beating. Is that being positive?
Now don't get me wrong, I'm so happy to be pregnant again and I really really REALLY want this baby! More than I'm sure I let on. But I suppose as a defense mechanism, I'm not letting myself become too positive or too confident so that I'm not let down again. But I want to be. How do I trick myself into being so confident again?
I don't think this baby will die. But can it happen? Well of course, I didn't think Gabriel was going to die and he did. Sin affects everyone! In different ways. No matter what.

So who am I now? Not entirely sure I guess. Somebody who's trying to find their way through the journey of grief I suppose. One day at a time.