I haven't written lately due to the fact I've been busy and tired. So I thought I'd write another entry from my grief journal. But before I do, here's a few words...
The Holy Spirit keeps reminding me to forgive others...He's good about that. And helping me to change my focus when it get's off.
I believe my heart is starting to heal, bit by bit.
I have to admit I've been insanely jealous of all my girlfriends who are having healthy live babies or are pregnant with them. It started right after I had Gabriel. But that jealously is turning into joy for them. I haven't been in contact with their babies yet or they are still pregnant so I'm not sure how I'll feel when I do see them. I feel I can now seperate my circumstances from theirs. If that makes sense.
I know my heart still has much healing but I know that it's starting...
"The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart. And saves such as have a contrite spirit." Psalm 34:18
Sunday November 8, 2009 From my grief journal
*Today is Sunday so we decided to go to church. I was doing fine until we got in the car and was at the bagel shop where we get breakfast.
Almost the whole way to church, I was squirting tears. I tried to stop but couldn't. Daniel kept asking if I was alright and I got annoyed at him. I told him I was just having a moment. I really didn't have anything to say and didn't want to say anything.
I guess going to church was harder than I thought it was going to be. That got me thinking about how hard it'll be going back to work.
Worship was good. I started getting teary-eyed but it didn't amount to much.
The Sermon was good. Pastor talked about gifts and spiritual gifts and how we need to use them basically to edify the church. It was really good. He said God has designed us to be a certain way. I remember thinking that no one can get mad at me for always talking about health because that is my passion, the way God has designed me, so there! :)
After church, people game us hugs and told us they were sorry for our loss. I kept wondering what people were thinking. Two weeks ago I was 7 1/2 months pregnant and today I don't look pregnant at all! I think that was the hardest part about today. Not to mention seeing other mothers holding their babies. How jealous I thought! I can't help but be envyous of them. I never even got a chance to cuddle with Gabriel.
I remember seeing a friend of mine walking by with her new baby in the carrier. I pretended I didn't see her so I didn't have to deal with the emptiness I feel or the jealousy.
I keep thinking "it's not fair!" Then I think of other women who have been through it too. That helps a lot to know I'm not the only one and to know people are praying for us.
Lord, please help me not be jealous or envyous. I want to feel joy for the women with their new babies. I just feel so out of it. I was so excited to be pregnant with my girlfriends and excited to all have babies together. And now I have nothing...again! Ok so maybe a little anger popped up again and for that I'm sorry. Lord, I'm just so sad and impatient. I want to be blessed. I'm so tired of losing children. I want to be done with that. I'm ready for something to change. Please God, change us for Your good!
Lord, my heart hurts so badly for Gabriel. Not having him makes me really want to be pregnant again. I want more children. Please bless us with more.
Children that get to stay here with us please. I want to know them before they go to Heaven. Or before I go. Please Lord, give me the patience I need to get healthy before getting pregnant again. Lord, take my fear of losing more children away so I can be positive.
Lord, I need your help so badly, I need you here with me every step of the way. Give me strength, courage, patience, and joy. I don't want to be sad forever. I don't want this sadness lurking around every corner.
Father God, I don't know what you have planned for me but I will try to trust you with everything I have. I will trust that the blessings will keep pouring in. That Your love will over power us so much that we won't be able to contain it. I will trust that you will give me everything I need to get through these sad times.
However, I will probably need some reminding every once in a while. Remind me that you are with me and that I can trust you'll take care of me.
Lord, Holy Spirit, please take over my heart and rebuild it, for it needs a lot of work!*
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