Well, I'm still having this overwhelming desire to be pregnant again and to have another child. The desire is so strong and I've really been praying about it. So I hope you're praying for me as well! :) Thanks!
There's not much else to write so I'll include an entry from my grief journal.
Monday November 9, 2009
*Halayna woke me up this morning. Daniel was in the shower so I just laid in bed and started thinking which made me cry.
We spent the whole day at home which was nice and relaxing but somehow I feel like I need to be doing something that matters but I can't seem to. I should work on my crafts but have no inspiration. I should clean the house but it'll just get dirty again so it gets me out of the mood. Thank goodness people are bringing us food otherwise who knows if we would cook anything to eat.
We weren't sure what to do today since it's the last day Daniel has off, which will be hard on me when he goes back to work tomorrow. He also has no desire to go back.
Some days I wish we could freeze time to grieve. Other days, I wish time would speed up so my grief would be much less and not so fresh.
We found a Bev Dolittle puzzle so we worked on that most of the day. It was nice to spend so much time just being together.
I finished the puzzle tonight by myself.
I had a lot of time to think while doing the puzzle so I also did a lot of praying and crying. Pretty much the same stuff that's been going on in my head.
I feel frustrated not knowing God's plan. I just don't want Gabriel's death to be for nothing so I really hope amazing, miraculous, things happen because of his death. I think that would help a lot!
I feel like all I do is cry out to God for help but I'm not sure He's hearing me like I want Him to.
I just don't want to be in my situation right now because it's so incredibly painful. Losing Gabriel has torn my life apart. Everything is so hard now. I think of him constantly and miss him so much it drives me crazy.
Oh Lord help me! Heal my broken, ragged heart. It has been broken in a million pieces.
My prayer is that you oh God would use Gabriel's death for healing. For blessing. For good. For a plan. I can't bear the thought of his death being for nothing.
Please Lord, do something in me that helps others, for him.
Please just let his death be for good in the future. I look forward to your plans for us. Plans for good. Plans for healing. Plans for blessings.*
"For You know the plans You have for me, Lord. Plans to prosper me and not to harm me, plans to give me a hope and a future. (Jer. 29:11)"
"Lord, in my heart I plan my course, but You determine my steps. (Prov. 16:9) Life is not going as I planned. I am so grateful that You are not caught off guard. You knew everything that would befall me. Please direct my steps as You determine. I need You, Lord. Carry me when I cannot walk."
About Me
- Lori
- I kind of wish there were a series of questions to answer rather than a blank spot to write in. Well, anyways, my name is Lori Jeanette Wodtke. I've been married for 14+ years to Daniel who I am still so in love with. We have a daughter, Halayna who is 11 right now. A daughter, Amaris who is 6 right now. A son, Samuel who is 4 right now. We have 3 other children in Heaven whom we will meet someday. "Adam" who died in February '08, "Eve" who died in August '08 and Gabriel James who was stillborn at 34 weeks on October 30, '09. I look forward to meeting them one day. And I miss them all terribly. I've been learning many things through this grieving process and look forward to have my mourning turn to joy as God has promised!
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