When it all began...

I was thinking when taking a lazy afternoon bath that I have forgotten to write about when the grieving really began or rather what brought me to where I'm at. Most of you know but I thought I'd share a little more. I believe it is the beginning of my testimony and you all get to come along for the ride! :)

The fall of 2007 was hard for our family. Within 3 months we lost 3 very dear people to us. First, a great friend and second mom, Lynne who died in September. Then my uncle Ed (my dad's youngest brother), who died in October. And finally, my father-in-law Jim who died on November 1st. He was an awesome man of God who I miss so very much to this day. I miss our conversations and his awe for God.
I thought it couldn't get any worse for our family, that the deaths were going to be it and there was joy and life to come. In a way there was life to come but also more deaths.
In January, 2008 I found out that I was pregnant! We weren't trying but also weren't NOT trying either. We decided to tell everyone at a dinner at my brother's house. Low and behold they were expecting as well! We were days apart for our due dates.
I started bleeding one day in February. After a few doctor visits, I was for sure miscarrying. The baby which I felt was a boy died in February at around 8 weeks. My mother-in-law called him Adam and I thought that was a good name. I was heart-broken and was in shock that I out of all people was having a miscarriage. I don't know why I thought something like that wouldn't happen to me.
I was determined to get pregnant again. I thought that would fill the hole in my heart so we got pregnant again soon after that.
Things were going well, I even got to see the heartbeat at 8 weeks. Around 11 weeks, I started to bleed again. I thought, NO NOT AGAIN! I called the doctor and went in for an ultrasound. Sure enough, the baby had died. This one I felt was a girl and her name (again, from my mom-in-law) is Eve. I miscarried her at around 11 1/2 weeks. I was miscarrying during my Sister-in-law's baby shower. But I was so happy for them it didn't really bother me too much.
I decided then to focus on getting healthier and losing weight.
In September, I was invited by my brother and sister-in-law to be there when they welcomed Jeremy, my nephew, into this world. It really was a joyful thing to experience and it was very healing for me. There will always be a special place in my heart for that little boy.
I went to the griefshare at my church where I learned a lot and believe God was preparing me for what was to come. I received what I thought was a word from God that He was going to redeem my losses for His purpose. I didn't know how or when. Until I found out in April, 2009 I was pregnant yet again. This was very much a surprise to us since we were definitely not trying. I remember thinking, this one has to make it! That this was my redeemed baby.
We passed the 12 week mark and I was excited to hear the baby's heartbeat at my first doctor's appt. I thought, now we can finally tell everyone!
Everything went well and the baby was healthy. I remember seeing him at the ultrasound and thinking how much he looked like Halayna. My nose and all! We didn't find out the gender because we wanted to be surprised.
Then it was Halloween week. Work was crazy as it is every year around that time. I was really focused on getting everything done that I didn't really notice that baby wasn't moving very much.
I went into the hospital Thursday October 29. They hooked me up to the fetal heartbeat monitor. The nurse could only find my heartbeat and not the baby’s. She thought the thing they put on my belly wasn’t working right so she replaced it with a new one. Still, only my heartbeat. I didn’t know what to think at that time. I just prayed.
My midwife came and did an ultrasound. She said nothing as she proceeded. I knew it. I won’t ever forget the words she said or the way she said it. “The baby has died.” I was instantly heartbroken and had all the emotions but mostly unbelief and shock. Babies aren’t supposed to die in the third trimester.
The next step was for me to be induced. I prayed this prayer, “Lord, I cannot do this if it’s going to be hard like Halayna’s birth was. Please make this easy.”
I chose to have an epidural which wasn’t originally in my birth plan but under the circumstances, I didn’t want to feel the pain of the labor.
The labor was a breeze. I slept during a lot of it and didn’t feel any pain. During my labor I thought of David in the Bible and how he worshipped God when his son died. I did the same. I sang worship songs to myself and prayed and prayed and prayed.
Friday, October 30, at 8:06 am, Gabriel James was born at 34 weeks. He weighed 4 lbs 8 oz and was 17 inches long. I prayed to hear him cry but of course, he did not.
It only took two pushes to get him out. Right after, I asked what it was and my midwife said “you have a beautiful boy.” But it wasn’t a joyful “It’s a boy!” There was sadness in her voice. However, she was right. He was beautiful. The most beautiful baby boy I’d ever seen. He had my nose, my ears, and my long fingers. He had Daniel’s forehead, lips and chin.
I held him, kissed him, and looked at all parts of him trying to engrave him into my memory.
We had many friends and family members come visit us. Some got to hold Gabriel and see his beautiful boy features. There were many tears from many people. The best gift we have been given. There was a lot of prayer and we felt it. We could feel the presence of the Lord in that room with us.
We had to leave on Saturday. I vividly remember having to hand Gabriel to the nurse. The last time I would see him until Heaven. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. It makes me cry now just remembering that moment.
Then we left the hospital…empty handed.
And that is where the journey began.

“But I trust in you, O Lord; I say, ‘You are my God.’ My times are in your hands.” Psalm 31:14-15