Wednesday, November 4, 2009 Entry from my journal

This is my first entry in my "grief" journal. It is what I wrote at the time and the feelings I had were very real and very raw. I won't post all of the entries but I will post some so that you will know about my journey and where it has brought me. Just know that I wrote what I was feeling at the time so it might seem like a broken record. However, this writing has helped in my grief. I also wrote a prayer at the end of each entry. It's neat to look back to see how God has been working in my life. So, here we go!

*Well, today is my birthday. 29 years old. Five days ago I gave birth to my son Gabriel. The last couple of days haven't been so bad but today just blew up in my face the moment I woke up this morning. Maybe because my birthdays usually should be "happy". This is the most miserable birthday I've ever had.
We decided to go ahead and "celebrate" it like we had originally planned by going to a tea room/house. I had some intense, painful, cramping this morning which didn't help my mood any. However, they did subside before we left for tea. The food and tea were good and we had a nice time but I still felt blah and it was hard to really enjoy it. I wished so badly that I was still pregnant like I "should" have been.
After tea, the three of us did some errands. Daniel was irritated and didn't want to go but I didn't want to go alone. We needed to get some things for Gabriel's memorial service and I needed some dressy black pants. I was getting extremely irritated when everything I tried on didn't fit right. I had to remind myself I had just given birth 5 days earlier. I was determined NOT to get maternity pants. I eventually found a pair that worked.
After we got home, I worked on some of the items for Gabriel's memorial service. The picture (I drew) and frame turned out beautiful. The case we had gotten for the castings was broken so we have to take it back to the store. Yes, very irritating.
The rest of the evening, we had dinner, dessert, and watched a movie. Somewhat nice.
Then, we went to put Halayna to bed. Daniel read her a book and brushed her teeth. Halayna wanted to pray like we usually do every night. She wanted me to pray with her so we began as usual. We got to the part about blessing. Since Gabriel is now in Heaven with our Lord, there's no need to pray for him anymore. He's doing much better than us. So, naturally I skipped him and Halayna didn't like that. She insisted on blessing him. I broke down and started crying. Daniel had to finish with her. After I gave Halayna hugs and kisses and said goodnight to her, I went to take a shower. A place I like to talk to God. I was so frustrated and broken-hearted. Not was, is!
I'm frustrated because God knows everything and everything that's going to happen. So if Gabriel was too good for earth than why would He allow me to be pregnant with him knowing he was going to die? I don't get it! I know God will use this for His purpose and good but not knowing what that is drives me crazy!
I miss Gabriel so badly and I so wish I was still pregnant with him. I want to feel him and hold him. I hate this feeling. The hole in my heart. I keep asking God to mend my broken heart but it just keeps on breaking.
How can you love somebody so much that your whole being yearns to be with them?
I pray for strength now so I can try to wait to see my son again.
He's a part of me that has left and won't ever return. Will my heart ever be put back together again? Will I ever stop crying for him?
God, my heart is in agony, my whole being is sad beyond any sadness I've ever felt. When will my mourning turn to joy? That is your promise.
Lord, please help me every minute of every day until your promise comes true. I need you more than ever. Mend my broken heart please!*