Thankfulness and contentness...

So I've been in this major cleaning out and organizing my home mood, lately. I suppose it goes along the lines of trying to organize my life... When I came upon a disc of pictures, my mom made for me, of Halayna's 4th birthday. We go to the zoo every year to celebrate and then usually have a small party with a mostly family members and a few friends. I was a little over 7 months pregnant at the time and extremely happy.

I was just looking at the pictures and instant sadness entered into me when I saw a picture of me looking very pregnant. And the longing for my son began all over again.

I was feeling really crappy when this picture came up and I had to laugh and it lifted my spirit:

This is my goofy brother and sweet daughter, Halayna. I probably rolled my eyes at him during that picture, not knowing I would need the laugh today.

So I'm entering into a theme of thankfulness and contentness.

How thankful I am for the people in my life who have committed to lifting me up during my lowest, hardest, times. The commitment to pray on my behalf and to send me letters and cards in the mail to tell me how much they care. The constant stream of tears. Those that have been there every week through my different emotions of grief. Especially the "pissed off" one! :) Thankful for those who have given up their time to be with me. And those who are trying to understand my pain and walking through it with me. Those that talk about my son, keeping his memory alive. Those that are ok that I'm not "over it" yet and won't be ever. Mmmmmm and the coffee... :)

You know who you are and I love you all. Thank you for being there for me. Your merciful and giving hearts are so special and God is using you tremendously. Especially teaching me how I want to be if a friend or family member goes through such a loss.

As far as being content goes. My prayers have been a lot like this: "Lord, can you do this for me?" "Can you give me this?" "If I only had this." "Lord, I want..." And so on. I know we should ask for our heart's desire and God will give us what we need. But what about asking for contentness? He has put it on my heart to start enjoying what I do have rather than what I don't. It's focusing on what is good and joyful in my life instead of what is sad and sorrowful. Of course that doesn't mean the sorrow and sadness goes away but it's not dwelling on it. And the Lord helps us do that.

I think God made my brother, Ryan, goofy so that one day he would do that chocolate cake in his teeth smile so it would lift my spirit and change my focus at the exact moment I would need it. God being the ultimate composer, composing moments like these. Yes, they're silly but I'm going to believe they were God-ordained!

So my prayer is that when I, or you, enter into what we don't have and having our focus on things not going our way, that we remember to be thankful and content with what God has given us already. If you look for it and pray for it, you will find it! I guarantee it!

Let's try to change our focus.

"while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:18

November 7, 2009 From my grief journal

*Today we had the memorial service for our son, Gabriel. It was a beautiful service. We didn't really plan it until we got there and made some last minute decisions. I'm pretty sure God was in control. I figured he would be so I just left it up to Him.
Everyone was very sweet and kind. Nobody said anything stupid. We were very happy about that.
We were just amazed at how giving and supportive people have been. We received more money to go towards our expenses.
It's hard to put all my thoughts down on paper. About a million things are going through my head.
I am in awe at the way God has been orchestrating this whole thing. How He has prepared us especially me. I'm starting to look at things and say "oh that's why." I wish Gabriel could have experienced the love people have for him down here on earth. The fact that we miss him terribly!
Lord, please let Gabriel know the love we have for him, that we'll miss him every day her on earth. That we'll never forget him and that he'll be a part of our family forever. That these tears are shed in memory of him. My heart breaks for him because I want to know him so badly.
Lord Jesus, hold my precious Gabriel for me. Kiss his sweet forehead for me. Listen to his sweet voice for me. Tell him I love him and can't wait to see him again in Heaven with You!
Father God, please bless everyone that has blessed us. Especially those that helped us financially. Lord, let their pockets overflow because of their giving hearts. Bless them more abundantly than they have blessed us.
I love you and praise your name for you are worthy and your promises do come true just like the rainbow you gave us today! *

It was pouring down hard, raining, before and during the memorial service. After the service was over, the rain stopped and this rainbow came out.