So my husband has been bugging me since it's been FOREVER since I've written here...

I had my first appointment for baby #5 last Thursday 5/20. I was really nervous about going. I had the appointment all figured out before I went. Thank the Lord, it didn't quite go as I had planned. The nurse educator had all the information on Gabriel so I didn't have to go into too much detail which I was very thankful about. She did say how sorry she was and she really seemed sincere which was sweet. Not too far into the appt. she got the doppler out to hear baby's heartbeat. She had the little thing moving all over my belly...I was getting very nervous and was thinking ok, well, if there's no heartbeat then the next step will be...that's when she said, "just because I can't find it, doesn't mean it's not there." Then all of a sudden there it was. In the 160's. I was relieved. After that appt. my Mother-in-law took me maternity clothes shopping and got me a couple of things! So sweet of her and it made me feel so good! :)

Then on Monday I had my first midwife appointment with the same midwife who delivered Gabriel. She was happy to see me again and was very nice. I got to hear baby's heartbeat again and that was nice. My midwife said my uteris was measuring bigger than 13 weeks (which is how far along I am). I was thinking...twins? That would be super! And it does run in the family... My midwife didn't seem too concerned so we'll find out for sure...for sure...later! However we did only hear one heartbeat so maybe baby is a big baby like I was...just ask my mom! :)

My belly is growing and with it my excitement is also growing. Just hearing that little heartbeat...

But I still think of Gabriel, everday. I miss him, still cry for him, still wish he was here. Still grieving...

We're thinking of visiting his gravesite on Friday. Bringing him a pinwheel...

A prayer request please. I learned that a guy I went to highschool with, lost his 3 year old daughter to an accident. And I feel for their family because I understand what it's like to have to bury your child. My heart truly goes out to them. Please pray for them. Thanks!

Last time our griefshare group got together we got to do a project together. We painted rocks. We were to paint a word or something that was meaningful to us. This is what I painted:

Lots of tears...

I visited a few blogs about other moms who have had to bury their children like I did.

In a way I felt comforted at the fact I wasn't alone and that there were other's out there going through similar grief.

On the other hand, I felt terrible for them and a flood of tears came streaming down my face, for them and for me.

It is so unfair to have to bury your child.


I've been very emotional the past few days. Not sure why exactly but I've shed a million tears! Could be crazy horomones...
But I think it's just that I miss my son.

After visiting the blogs and looking at pictures of their beautiful babies, I looked at the pictures of Gabriel. It has been a while since I've looked at them. I am reminded of how beautiful he was. I've looked at the pictures a hundred times and sometimes I cry and other times I smile. Well, I cried tonight and felt the urge to grab him out of my computer. If only I could...

So yes, 6 months since he was born has gone by and my grief is changing..but that's just it, I'm still very much grieving and missing my son. And I know, I will always miss him...

Maybe I'm so emotional because Mother's Day is coming. Definately a bittersweet one this year. Celebrating the fact that I'm a mother to 5 now. Celebrating that I have Halayna with me and #5 on the way. But also grieving the fact that three of my children are not with me. Especially Gabriel who should be around 5 months old today if he would have been born on his due date. If I could ask for one gift on Mother's Day, it would be to have all my children with me...healthy...and alive...but I know that's a gift nobody can ever give me.

At least I have my daughter. I will just have to hug and kiss her and tell her I love her all day long until she gets annoyed at me...of course I do this on a regular basis and not just on Mother's Day... :)

So when you're praying please pray for all the parents out there that have had to bury their children. All those mothers out there that are having a hard time with Mother's Day this year. Thank you.

My #1

I was having a conversation with my daughter, Halayna, while she was sitting on my lap. We were talking about all sorts of things, nothing in peticular. She started saying something about her brother...her brother was going to do this or that. I think she was talking about the baby in my tummy. Not sure exactly. So I said to her, "you know you had a brother, right?" She said, "yeah Gabriel." I asked, "do you know where he is?" She said, "yeah, he's in Heaven." I agreed with her and then she said, "I really miss that baby." "Me too." I said.

How precious was that? It just melted my heart.

We talked some more about if the new baby is a boy or girl and what names we could name them. It got to be really silly and we were having a lot of fun.

But as I was taking a shower, I got to thinking about it. Not only are we affected by this for the rest of our lives, but Halayna will also be affected for the rest of her life. She'll have this brother she never knew or touched or got to hold. As "ripped off" as I feel, it's the same for her too.

It makes me think of the relationship with my brother and how he use to push all my buttons when we were kids. Oh, he use to irritate me so much! Of course we also had a ton of fun playing together and ganging up on my older sister.

So I feel really bad for Halayna that she's missing out on that relationship with Gabriel. Who knows, maybe she will have a brother some day...

I'm hoping and praying her loss of her brother won't affect her in a bad way in the future.

I love Halayna so incredibly much! She is just an awesome kid! Even though she drives me crazy at times... :)

Please keep her in your prayers also as it's easy to forget how much our loss affects her and her future. Thanks!