Well, I'm still having this overwhelming desire to be pregnant again and to have another child. The desire is so strong and I've really been praying about it. So I hope you're praying for me as well! :) Thanks!
There's not much else to write so I'll include an entry from my grief journal.
Monday November 9, 2009
*Halayna woke me up this morning. Daniel was in the shower so I just laid in bed and started thinking which made me cry.
We spent the whole day at home which was nice and relaxing but somehow I feel like I need to be doing something that matters but I can't seem to. I should work on my crafts but have no inspiration. I should clean the house but it'll just get dirty again so it gets me out of the mood. Thank goodness people are bringing us food otherwise who knows if we would cook anything to eat.
We weren't sure what to do today since it's the last day Daniel has off, which will be hard on me when he goes back to work tomorrow. He also has no desire to go back.
Some days I wish we could freeze time to grieve. Other days, I wish time would speed up so my grief would be much less and not so fresh.
We found a Bev Dolittle puzzle so we worked on that most of the day. It was nice to spend so much time just being together.
I finished the puzzle tonight by myself.
I had a lot of time to think while doing the puzzle so I also did a lot of praying and crying. Pretty much the same stuff that's been going on in my head.
I feel frustrated not knowing God's plan. I just don't want Gabriel's death to be for nothing so I really hope amazing, miraculous, things happen because of his death. I think that would help a lot!
I feel like all I do is cry out to God for help but I'm not sure He's hearing me like I want Him to.
I just don't want to be in my situation right now because it's so incredibly painful. Losing Gabriel has torn my life apart. Everything is so hard now. I think of him constantly and miss him so much it drives me crazy.
Oh Lord help me! Heal my broken, ragged heart. It has been broken in a million pieces.
My prayer is that you oh God would use Gabriel's death for healing. For blessing. For good. For a plan. I can't bear the thought of his death being for nothing.
Please Lord, do something in me that helps others, for him.
Please just let his death be for good in the future. I look forward to your plans for us. Plans for good. Plans for healing. Plans for blessings.*
"For You know the plans You have for me, Lord. Plans to prosper me and not to harm me, plans to give me a hope and a future. (Jer. 29:11)"
"Lord, in my heart I plan my course, but You determine my steps. (Prov. 16:9) Life is not going as I planned. I am so grateful that You are not caught off guard. You knew everything that would befall me. Please direct my steps as You determine. I need You, Lord. Carry me when I cannot walk."
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Lonliness...
It is the last week of February and I know a few girls that are due to have their babies any day now or has had them without me knowing. It is also the week I would have been due with my third child. And I feel so alone. Here I am mourning the death of my child while they are joyously awaiting the birth of their's. I'm the only one that some people know that has lost a baby in their third trimester. I'm THAT person. And it sucks so much! How I wish so badly I was one of those women having a baby.
I was taking a shower tonight, letting the hot water beat down on my sore back from a very productive day at work. I like to pray and talk to God in the shower and cry too. I told Him how I was feeling. The lonliness I've been feeling. He reminds me His son died also. And that I have Him. He knows how I'm feeling. Yes, it would be nice to have someone in the flesh telling me everything I want to hear and to hug me and actually feel the ache in my heart.
So I was reminded of the book I've been reading...remember? The Beth Moore one. Well, there's a section in there called "Overcoming Despair Resulting From Loss". Written for me I suppose. :) So I turned to it and started reading some prayers.
"I cry to You, Lord, in my trouble. Save me from my distress. (Ps. 107:13)"
"I choose to cast my cares on You, Lord, and You will sustain me. (Ps. 55:22)"
"You say to me, Lord, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Your power may rest on me. (2 Cor. 12:9)"
"You, O God, will never leave me. Never will You forsake me. (Heb. 13:5) You are the only absolute guarantee I have in all of life. Help me cling to the one thing I can never lose."
The encouragement in the scriptures gives me comfort and peace. And the Lord is sustaining me. Through every cry in the shower, cry at work, cry in my car for no apparent reason, through every envyous thought, through the outbursts of anger, through every emotion related to grief, through the lonliness, through the breaking of my heart, through the feeling of emptiness in my arms. He is sustaining me.
"Praise be to You, the God and Father of my Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts me in all my troubles, so that I can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort I myself have received from God. (2 Cor. 1:3-4) You, Lord, are the only One who can turn my misery into ministry."
I was taking a shower tonight, letting the hot water beat down on my sore back from a very productive day at work. I like to pray and talk to God in the shower and cry too. I told Him how I was feeling. The lonliness I've been feeling. He reminds me His son died also. And that I have Him. He knows how I'm feeling. Yes, it would be nice to have someone in the flesh telling me everything I want to hear and to hug me and actually feel the ache in my heart.
So I was reminded of the book I've been reading...remember? The Beth Moore one. Well, there's a section in there called "Overcoming Despair Resulting From Loss". Written for me I suppose. :) So I turned to it and started reading some prayers.
"I cry to You, Lord, in my trouble. Save me from my distress. (Ps. 107:13)"
"I choose to cast my cares on You, Lord, and You will sustain me. (Ps. 55:22)"
"You say to me, Lord, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Your power may rest on me. (2 Cor. 12:9)"
"You, O God, will never leave me. Never will You forsake me. (Heb. 13:5) You are the only absolute guarantee I have in all of life. Help me cling to the one thing I can never lose."
The encouragement in the scriptures gives me comfort and peace. And the Lord is sustaining me. Through every cry in the shower, cry at work, cry in my car for no apparent reason, through every envyous thought, through the outbursts of anger, through every emotion related to grief, through the lonliness, through the breaking of my heart, through the feeling of emptiness in my arms. He is sustaining me.
"Praise be to You, the God and Father of my Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts me in all my troubles, so that I can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort I myself have received from God. (2 Cor. 1:3-4) You, Lord, are the only One who can turn my misery into ministry."
Monday, February 22, 2010
The dreaded question...
So it happened today. That dreaded question! "So how is the new baby?" And instant heart break.
I was dumbfounded and said "What?" "What baby?"
She said "You're new baby?"
My heart began to race. Then I told her. "He didn't make it."
She felt terrible and the "I'm sorrys" began. I told her what happened.
I was at work at the time but not in the department I usually work in. After I got back to my department, I stayed in the back for a while and cried.
Having to tell someone I buried my son just really sucked!
After my cry session I got back to work and eventually went on my lunch break. I've been reading a wonderful book my girlfriend gave me. Thanks Bri! :) It's written by our "good friend" Beth Moore. "Praying God's Word" Breaking free from spiritual strongholds If you haven't read it, I highly recommend it, for anyone, no matter your circumstances.
I was reading the "Overcoming Unforgiveness" which is super important to becoming free and being more like Christ which is what I'm striving for even though I totally mess up all the time! Thank the Lord he is so easily forgiving when forgiving can be so hard for me at times.
Here's a prayer that stood out to me:
"Your ways are not my ways, Lord God. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are Your ways higher than mine. (Isa. 55:8-9) I may not always understand Your ways, Lord, but they are always prosperous.
(Ps. 10:5) Your ways are always righteous. (Ps. 77:13) Your ways are loving and faithful. (Ps. 25:10) I have considered my ways, Lord. (Ps. 119:59) I choose Yours instead. Keep me from deceitful ways. (Ps. 119:29) Lord God, help me to walk in Your ways. (Ps. 119:3)"
So the Lord brought a few people to mind that I need to forgive. Even the random people who cut me off in traffic when there's tons of space behind me. Some customers at work. And some others.
So this forgiveness "stuff" has been a recurring theme in my journey and probably will be for a long time.
The Lord has also been putting the issue of trust on my heart. Trusting in Him. It seems so simple right? Not always the case for me. It's letting go and letting God which is hard for my personality. I like to be in control and putting my WHOLE trust in God is honestly hard for me. However, things always seem to go better when God is in control rather than us, right? :)
I've been having such a strong desire to be pregnant again and want to try to give Halayna a little brother or sister or both. And when I think about it, the enemy reminds me of my fear of losing another baby. But then God says "Trust in Me." "Give me your fears."
So it's trusting in Him, when I'm full of joy or in my deepest of sorrows.
Trust in Him. God of the Universe. God of all creation. Omnipotent God. Trust Him.
Here's my prayer request for you. :) Please pray about my desire to be pregnant again. And let me know if the Holy Spirit tells you something to tell me. I have been praying about it too but I would like others to interceed for me as well! Thank you for your faithfulness in praying for me and my family.
"Trust in the Lord, and do good;
Dwell in the land, and feed on His faithfullness.
Delight yourself also in the Lord,
And He shall give you the desires of your heart.
Commit your way to the Lord,
Trust also in Him,
And He shall bring it to pass."
Psalm 37:3-5
I was dumbfounded and said "What?" "What baby?"
She said "You're new baby?"
My heart began to race. Then I told her. "He didn't make it."
She felt terrible and the "I'm sorrys" began. I told her what happened.
I was at work at the time but not in the department I usually work in. After I got back to my department, I stayed in the back for a while and cried.
Having to tell someone I buried my son just really sucked!
After my cry session I got back to work and eventually went on my lunch break. I've been reading a wonderful book my girlfriend gave me. Thanks Bri! :) It's written by our "good friend" Beth Moore. "Praying God's Word" Breaking free from spiritual strongholds If you haven't read it, I highly recommend it, for anyone, no matter your circumstances.
I was reading the "Overcoming Unforgiveness" which is super important to becoming free and being more like Christ which is what I'm striving for even though I totally mess up all the time! Thank the Lord he is so easily forgiving when forgiving can be so hard for me at times.
Here's a prayer that stood out to me:
"Your ways are not my ways, Lord God. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are Your ways higher than mine. (Isa. 55:8-9) I may not always understand Your ways, Lord, but they are always prosperous.
(Ps. 10:5) Your ways are always righteous. (Ps. 77:13) Your ways are loving and faithful. (Ps. 25:10) I have considered my ways, Lord. (Ps. 119:59) I choose Yours instead. Keep me from deceitful ways. (Ps. 119:29) Lord God, help me to walk in Your ways. (Ps. 119:3)"
So the Lord brought a few people to mind that I need to forgive. Even the random people who cut me off in traffic when there's tons of space behind me. Some customers at work. And some others.
So this forgiveness "stuff" has been a recurring theme in my journey and probably will be for a long time.
The Lord has also been putting the issue of trust on my heart. Trusting in Him. It seems so simple right? Not always the case for me. It's letting go and letting God which is hard for my personality. I like to be in control and putting my WHOLE trust in God is honestly hard for me. However, things always seem to go better when God is in control rather than us, right? :)
I've been having such a strong desire to be pregnant again and want to try to give Halayna a little brother or sister or both. And when I think about it, the enemy reminds me of my fear of losing another baby. But then God says "Trust in Me." "Give me your fears."
So it's trusting in Him, when I'm full of joy or in my deepest of sorrows.
Trust in Him. God of the Universe. God of all creation. Omnipotent God. Trust Him.
Here's my prayer request for you. :) Please pray about my desire to be pregnant again. And let me know if the Holy Spirit tells you something to tell me. I have been praying about it too but I would like others to interceed for me as well! Thank you for your faithfulness in praying for me and my family.
"Trust in the Lord, and do good;
Dwell in the land, and feed on His faithfullness.
Delight yourself also in the Lord,
And He shall give you the desires of your heart.
Commit your way to the Lord,
Trust also in Him,
And He shall bring it to pass."
Psalm 37:3-5
Thursday, February 18, 2010
My heart being mended...
I haven't written lately due to the fact I've been busy and tired. So I thought I'd write another entry from my grief journal. But before I do, here's a few words...
The Holy Spirit keeps reminding me to forgive others...He's good about that. And helping me to change my focus when it get's off.
I believe my heart is starting to heal, bit by bit.
I have to admit I've been insanely jealous of all my girlfriends who are having healthy live babies or are pregnant with them. It started right after I had Gabriel. But that jealously is turning into joy for them. I haven't been in contact with their babies yet or they are still pregnant so I'm not sure how I'll feel when I do see them. I feel I can now seperate my circumstances from theirs. If that makes sense.
I know my heart still has much healing but I know that it's starting...
"The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart. And saves such as have a contrite spirit." Psalm 34:18
Sunday November 8, 2009 From my grief journal
*Today is Sunday so we decided to go to church. I was doing fine until we got in the car and was at the bagel shop where we get breakfast.
Almost the whole way to church, I was squirting tears. I tried to stop but couldn't. Daniel kept asking if I was alright and I got annoyed at him. I told him I was just having a moment. I really didn't have anything to say and didn't want to say anything.
I guess going to church was harder than I thought it was going to be. That got me thinking about how hard it'll be going back to work.
Worship was good. I started getting teary-eyed but it didn't amount to much.
The Sermon was good. Pastor talked about gifts and spiritual gifts and how we need to use them basically to edify the church. It was really good. He said God has designed us to be a certain way. I remember thinking that no one can get mad at me for always talking about health because that is my passion, the way God has designed me, so there! :)
After church, people game us hugs and told us they were sorry for our loss. I kept wondering what people were thinking. Two weeks ago I was 7 1/2 months pregnant and today I don't look pregnant at all! I think that was the hardest part about today. Not to mention seeing other mothers holding their babies. How jealous I thought! I can't help but be envyous of them. I never even got a chance to cuddle with Gabriel.
I remember seeing a friend of mine walking by with her new baby in the carrier. I pretended I didn't see her so I didn't have to deal with the emptiness I feel or the jealousy.
I keep thinking "it's not fair!" Then I think of other women who have been through it too. That helps a lot to know I'm not the only one and to know people are praying for us.
Lord, please help me not be jealous or envyous. I want to feel joy for the women with their new babies. I just feel so out of it. I was so excited to be pregnant with my girlfriends and excited to all have babies together. And now I have nothing...again! Ok so maybe a little anger popped up again and for that I'm sorry. Lord, I'm just so sad and impatient. I want to be blessed. I'm so tired of losing children. I want to be done with that. I'm ready for something to change. Please God, change us for Your good!
Lord, my heart hurts so badly for Gabriel. Not having him makes me really want to be pregnant again. I want more children. Please bless us with more.
Children that get to stay here with us please. I want to know them before they go to Heaven. Or before I go. Please Lord, give me the patience I need to get healthy before getting pregnant again. Lord, take my fear of losing more children away so I can be positive.
Lord, I need your help so badly, I need you here with me every step of the way. Give me strength, courage, patience, and joy. I don't want to be sad forever. I don't want this sadness lurking around every corner.
Father God, I don't know what you have planned for me but I will try to trust you with everything I have. I will trust that the blessings will keep pouring in. That Your love will over power us so much that we won't be able to contain it. I will trust that you will give me everything I need to get through these sad times.
However, I will probably need some reminding every once in a while. Remind me that you are with me and that I can trust you'll take care of me.
Lord, Holy Spirit, please take over my heart and rebuild it, for it needs a lot of work!*
The Holy Spirit keeps reminding me to forgive others...He's good about that. And helping me to change my focus when it get's off.
I believe my heart is starting to heal, bit by bit.
I have to admit I've been insanely jealous of all my girlfriends who are having healthy live babies or are pregnant with them. It started right after I had Gabriel. But that jealously is turning into joy for them. I haven't been in contact with their babies yet or they are still pregnant so I'm not sure how I'll feel when I do see them. I feel I can now seperate my circumstances from theirs. If that makes sense.
I know my heart still has much healing but I know that it's starting...
"The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart. And saves such as have a contrite spirit." Psalm 34:18
Sunday November 8, 2009 From my grief journal
*Today is Sunday so we decided to go to church. I was doing fine until we got in the car and was at the bagel shop where we get breakfast.
Almost the whole way to church, I was squirting tears. I tried to stop but couldn't. Daniel kept asking if I was alright and I got annoyed at him. I told him I was just having a moment. I really didn't have anything to say and didn't want to say anything.
I guess going to church was harder than I thought it was going to be. That got me thinking about how hard it'll be going back to work.
Worship was good. I started getting teary-eyed but it didn't amount to much.
The Sermon was good. Pastor talked about gifts and spiritual gifts and how we need to use them basically to edify the church. It was really good. He said God has designed us to be a certain way. I remember thinking that no one can get mad at me for always talking about health because that is my passion, the way God has designed me, so there! :)
After church, people game us hugs and told us they were sorry for our loss. I kept wondering what people were thinking. Two weeks ago I was 7 1/2 months pregnant and today I don't look pregnant at all! I think that was the hardest part about today. Not to mention seeing other mothers holding their babies. How jealous I thought! I can't help but be envyous of them. I never even got a chance to cuddle with Gabriel.
I remember seeing a friend of mine walking by with her new baby in the carrier. I pretended I didn't see her so I didn't have to deal with the emptiness I feel or the jealousy.
I keep thinking "it's not fair!" Then I think of other women who have been through it too. That helps a lot to know I'm not the only one and to know people are praying for us.
Lord, please help me not be jealous or envyous. I want to feel joy for the women with their new babies. I just feel so out of it. I was so excited to be pregnant with my girlfriends and excited to all have babies together. And now I have nothing...again! Ok so maybe a little anger popped up again and for that I'm sorry. Lord, I'm just so sad and impatient. I want to be blessed. I'm so tired of losing children. I want to be done with that. I'm ready for something to change. Please God, change us for Your good!
Lord, my heart hurts so badly for Gabriel. Not having him makes me really want to be pregnant again. I want more children. Please bless us with more.
Children that get to stay here with us please. I want to know them before they go to Heaven. Or before I go. Please Lord, give me the patience I need to get healthy before getting pregnant again. Lord, take my fear of losing more children away so I can be positive.
Lord, I need your help so badly, I need you here with me every step of the way. Give me strength, courage, patience, and joy. I don't want to be sad forever. I don't want this sadness lurking around every corner.
Father God, I don't know what you have planned for me but I will try to trust you with everything I have. I will trust that the blessings will keep pouring in. That Your love will over power us so much that we won't be able to contain it. I will trust that you will give me everything I need to get through these sad times.
However, I will probably need some reminding every once in a while. Remind me that you are with me and that I can trust you'll take care of me.
Lord, Holy Spirit, please take over my heart and rebuild it, for it needs a lot of work!*
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Trigger...
Have you ever talked to someone in their season of grief or experienced it yourself? I'm sure if you have they would tell you there are ups and downs during the grief journey. One day you're doing fine and not really thinking too much about your loss and then there's a trigger. Something that happens that puts you right back into the heart of your grief. That is what has happened to me today.
I've been having a lot of ups lately, focusing on my daughter who is the "light" of my life right now. Her name actually means "light" which is totally appropriate for her.
Anyway, my husband was taking a nap today on the bed. I walked by him for a moment while he was sleeping and took a peek at him. I saw my husband but I also saw Gabriel. The way Daniel was sleeping, I guess, brought me back to when Gabriel was born and I got to see him. Then a flood of emotions...
It is moments like these that puts tears in my eyes and the feeling of loss becomes so intense again.
A Bible verse that I've known for so long and many people have it memorized, just came to me.
"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13
I prayed that verse when I was in labor and giving birth to Halayna since it was really hard and painful.
Now, I'm praying that verse for different reasons. Christ will give me the strength to get through times like these. To get through this overwhelming pain of loss.
Oh Lord, how I need your strength.
I've been having a lot of ups lately, focusing on my daughter who is the "light" of my life right now. Her name actually means "light" which is totally appropriate for her.
Anyway, my husband was taking a nap today on the bed. I walked by him for a moment while he was sleeping and took a peek at him. I saw my husband but I also saw Gabriel. The way Daniel was sleeping, I guess, brought me back to when Gabriel was born and I got to see him. Then a flood of emotions...
It is moments like these that puts tears in my eyes and the feeling of loss becomes so intense again.
A Bible verse that I've known for so long and many people have it memorized, just came to me.
"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13
I prayed that verse when I was in labor and giving birth to Halayna since it was really hard and painful.
Now, I'm praying that verse for different reasons. Christ will give me the strength to get through times like these. To get through this overwhelming pain of loss.
Oh Lord, how I need your strength.
Friday, February 12, 2010
Thankfulness and contentness...
So I've been in this major cleaning out and organizing my home mood, lately. I suppose it goes along the lines of trying to organize my life... When I came upon a disc of pictures, my mom made for me, of Halayna's 4th birthday. We go to the zoo every year to celebrate and then usually have a small party with a mostly family members and a few friends. I was a little over 7 months pregnant at the time and extremely happy.
I was just looking at the pictures and instant sadness entered into me when I saw a picture of me looking very pregnant. And the longing for my son began all over again.
It was pouring down hard, raining, before and during the memorial service. After the service was over, the rain stopped and this rainbow came out.
I was just looking at the pictures and instant sadness entered into me when I saw a picture of me looking very pregnant. And the longing for my son began all over again.
I was feeling really crappy when this picture came up and I had to laugh and it lifted my spirit:
This is my goofy brother and sweet daughter, Halayna. I probably rolled my eyes at him during that picture, not knowing I would need the laugh today.
So I'm entering into a theme of thankfulness and contentness.
How thankful I am for the people in my life who have committed to lifting me up during my lowest, hardest, times. The commitment to pray on my behalf and to send me letters and cards in the mail to tell me how much they care. The constant stream of tears. Those that have been there every week through my different emotions of grief. Especially the "pissed off" one! :) Thankful for those who have given up their time to be with me. And those who are trying to understand my pain and walking through it with me. Those that talk about my son, keeping his memory alive. Those that are ok that I'm not "over it" yet and won't be ever. Mmmmmm and the coffee... :)
You know who you are and I love you all. Thank you for being there for me. Your merciful and giving hearts are so special and God is using you tremendously. Especially teaching me how I want to be if a friend or family member goes through such a loss.
As far as being content goes. My prayers have been a lot like this: "Lord, can you do this for me?" "Can you give me this?" "If I only had this." "Lord, I want..." And so on. I know we should ask for our heart's desire and God will give us what we need. But what about asking for contentness? He has put it on my heart to start enjoying what I do have rather than what I don't. It's focusing on what is good and joyful in my life instead of what is sad and sorrowful. Of course that doesn't mean the sorrow and sadness goes away but it's not dwelling on it. And the Lord helps us do that.
I think God made my brother, Ryan, goofy so that one day he would do that chocolate cake in his teeth smile so it would lift my spirit and change my focus at the exact moment I would need it. God being the ultimate composer, composing moments like these. Yes, they're silly but I'm going to believe they were God-ordained!
So my prayer is that when I, or you, enter into what we don't have and having our focus on things not going our way, that we remember to be thankful and content with what God has given us already. If you look for it and pray for it, you will find it! I guarantee it!
Let's try to change our focus.
"while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:18
November 7, 2009 From my grief journal
*Today we had the memorial service for our son, Gabriel. It was a beautiful service. We didn't really plan it until we got there and made some last minute decisions. I'm pretty sure God was in control. I figured he would be so I just left it up to Him.
Everyone was very sweet and kind. Nobody said anything stupid. We were very happy about that.
We were just amazed at how giving and supportive people have been. We received more money to go towards our expenses.
It's hard to put all my thoughts down on paper. About a million things are going through my head.
I am in awe at the way God has been orchestrating this whole thing. How He has prepared us especially me. I'm starting to look at things and say "oh that's why." I wish Gabriel could have experienced the love people have for him down here on earth. The fact that we miss him terribly!
Lord, please let Gabriel know the love we have for him, that we'll miss him every day her on earth. That we'll never forget him and that he'll be a part of our family forever. That these tears are shed in memory of him. My heart breaks for him because I want to know him so badly.
Lord Jesus, hold my precious Gabriel for me. Kiss his sweet forehead for me. Listen to his sweet voice for me. Tell him I love him and can't wait to see him again in Heaven with You!
Father God, please bless everyone that has blessed us. Especially those that helped us financially. Lord, let their pockets overflow because of their giving hearts. Bless them more abundantly than they have blessed us.
I love you and praise your name for you are worthy and your promises do come true just like the rainbow you gave us today! *
It was pouring down hard, raining, before and during the memorial service. After the service was over, the rain stopped and this rainbow came out.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
When it all began...
I was thinking when taking a lazy afternoon bath that I have forgotten to write about when the grieving really began or rather what brought me to where I'm at. Most of you know but I thought I'd share a little more. I believe it is the beginning of my testimony and you all get to come along for the ride! :)
The fall of 2007 was hard for our family. Within 3 months we lost 3 very dear people to us. First, a great friend and second mom, Lynne who died in September. Then my uncle Ed (my dad's youngest brother), who died in October. And finally, my father-in-law Jim who died on November 1st. He was an awesome man of God who I miss so very much to this day. I miss our conversations and his awe for God.
I thought it couldn't get any worse for our family, that the deaths were going to be it and there was joy and life to come. In a way there was life to come but also more deaths.
In January, 2008 I found out that I was pregnant! We weren't trying but also weren't NOT trying either. We decided to tell everyone at a dinner at my brother's house. Low and behold they were expecting as well! We were days apart for our due dates.
I started bleeding one day in February. After a few doctor visits, I was for sure miscarrying. The baby which I felt was a boy died in February at around 8 weeks. My mother-in-law called him Adam and I thought that was a good name. I was heart-broken and was in shock that I out of all people was having a miscarriage. I don't know why I thought something like that wouldn't happen to me.
I was determined to get pregnant again. I thought that would fill the hole in my heart so we got pregnant again soon after that.
Things were going well, I even got to see the heartbeat at 8 weeks. Around 11 weeks, I started to bleed again. I thought, NO NOT AGAIN! I called the doctor and went in for an ultrasound. Sure enough, the baby had died. This one I felt was a girl and her name (again, from my mom-in-law) is Eve. I miscarried her at around 11 1/2 weeks. I was miscarrying during my Sister-in-law's baby shower. But I was so happy for them it didn't really bother me too much.
I decided then to focus on getting healthier and losing weight.
In September, I was invited by my brother and sister-in-law to be there when they welcomed Jeremy, my nephew, into this world. It really was a joyful thing to experience and it was very healing for me. There will always be a special place in my heart for that little boy.
I went to the griefshare at my church where I learned a lot and believe God was preparing me for what was to come. I received what I thought was a word from God that He was going to redeem my losses for His purpose. I didn't know how or when. Until I found out in April, 2009 I was pregnant yet again. This was very much a surprise to us since we were definitely not trying. I remember thinking, this one has to make it! That this was my redeemed baby.
We passed the 12 week mark and I was excited to hear the baby's heartbeat at my first doctor's appt. I thought, now we can finally tell everyone!
Everything went well and the baby was healthy. I remember seeing him at the ultrasound and thinking how much he looked like Halayna. My nose and all! We didn't find out the gender because we wanted to be surprised.
Then it was Halloween week. Work was crazy as it is every year around that time. I was really focused on getting everything done that I didn't really notice that baby wasn't moving very much.
I went into the hospital Thursday October 29. They hooked me up to the fetal heartbeat monitor. The nurse could only find my heartbeat and not the baby’s. She thought the thing they put on my belly wasn’t working right so she replaced it with a new one. Still, only my heartbeat. I didn’t know what to think at that time. I just prayed.
My midwife came and did an ultrasound. She said nothing as she proceeded. I knew it. I won’t ever forget the words she said or the way she said it. “The baby has died.” I was instantly heartbroken and had all the emotions but mostly unbelief and shock. Babies aren’t supposed to die in the third trimester.
The next step was for me to be induced. I prayed this prayer, “Lord, I cannot do this if it’s going to be hard like Halayna’s birth was. Please make this easy.”
I chose to have an epidural which wasn’t originally in my birth plan but under the circumstances, I didn’t want to feel the pain of the labor.
The labor was a breeze. I slept during a lot of it and didn’t feel any pain. During my labor I thought of David in the Bible and how he worshipped God when his son died. I did the same. I sang worship songs to myself and prayed and prayed and prayed.
Friday, October 30, at 8:06 am, Gabriel James was born at 34 weeks. He weighed 4 lbs 8 oz and was 17 inches long. I prayed to hear him cry but of course, he did not.
It only took two pushes to get him out. Right after, I asked what it was and my midwife said “you have a beautiful boy.” But it wasn’t a joyful “It’s a boy!” There was sadness in her voice. However, she was right. He was beautiful. The most beautiful baby boy I’d ever seen. He had my nose, my ears, and my long fingers. He had Daniel’s forehead, lips and chin.
I held him, kissed him, and looked at all parts of him trying to engrave him into my memory.
We had many friends and family members come visit us. Some got to hold Gabriel and see his beautiful boy features. There were many tears from many people. The best gift we have been given. There was a lot of prayer and we felt it. We could feel the presence of the Lord in that room with us.
We had to leave on Saturday. I vividly remember having to hand Gabriel to the nurse. The last time I would see him until Heaven. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. It makes me cry now just remembering that moment.
Then we left the hospital…empty handed.
And that is where the journey began.
“But I trust in you, O Lord; I say, ‘You are my God.’ My times are in your hands.” Psalm 31:14-15
The fall of 2007 was hard for our family. Within 3 months we lost 3 very dear people to us. First, a great friend and second mom, Lynne who died in September. Then my uncle Ed (my dad's youngest brother), who died in October. And finally, my father-in-law Jim who died on November 1st. He was an awesome man of God who I miss so very much to this day. I miss our conversations and his awe for God.
I thought it couldn't get any worse for our family, that the deaths were going to be it and there was joy and life to come. In a way there was life to come but also more deaths.
In January, 2008 I found out that I was pregnant! We weren't trying but also weren't NOT trying either. We decided to tell everyone at a dinner at my brother's house. Low and behold they were expecting as well! We were days apart for our due dates.
I started bleeding one day in February. After a few doctor visits, I was for sure miscarrying. The baby which I felt was a boy died in February at around 8 weeks. My mother-in-law called him Adam and I thought that was a good name. I was heart-broken and was in shock that I out of all people was having a miscarriage. I don't know why I thought something like that wouldn't happen to me.
I was determined to get pregnant again. I thought that would fill the hole in my heart so we got pregnant again soon after that.
Things were going well, I even got to see the heartbeat at 8 weeks. Around 11 weeks, I started to bleed again. I thought, NO NOT AGAIN! I called the doctor and went in for an ultrasound. Sure enough, the baby had died. This one I felt was a girl and her name (again, from my mom-in-law) is Eve. I miscarried her at around 11 1/2 weeks. I was miscarrying during my Sister-in-law's baby shower. But I was so happy for them it didn't really bother me too much.
I decided then to focus on getting healthier and losing weight.
In September, I was invited by my brother and sister-in-law to be there when they welcomed Jeremy, my nephew, into this world. It really was a joyful thing to experience and it was very healing for me. There will always be a special place in my heart for that little boy.
I went to the griefshare at my church where I learned a lot and believe God was preparing me for what was to come. I received what I thought was a word from God that He was going to redeem my losses for His purpose. I didn't know how or when. Until I found out in April, 2009 I was pregnant yet again. This was very much a surprise to us since we were definitely not trying. I remember thinking, this one has to make it! That this was my redeemed baby.
We passed the 12 week mark and I was excited to hear the baby's heartbeat at my first doctor's appt. I thought, now we can finally tell everyone!
Everything went well and the baby was healthy. I remember seeing him at the ultrasound and thinking how much he looked like Halayna. My nose and all! We didn't find out the gender because we wanted to be surprised.
Then it was Halloween week. Work was crazy as it is every year around that time. I was really focused on getting everything done that I didn't really notice that baby wasn't moving very much.
I went into the hospital Thursday October 29. They hooked me up to the fetal heartbeat monitor. The nurse could only find my heartbeat and not the baby’s. She thought the thing they put on my belly wasn’t working right so she replaced it with a new one. Still, only my heartbeat. I didn’t know what to think at that time. I just prayed.
My midwife came and did an ultrasound. She said nothing as she proceeded. I knew it. I won’t ever forget the words she said or the way she said it. “The baby has died.” I was instantly heartbroken and had all the emotions but mostly unbelief and shock. Babies aren’t supposed to die in the third trimester.
The next step was for me to be induced. I prayed this prayer, “Lord, I cannot do this if it’s going to be hard like Halayna’s birth was. Please make this easy.”
I chose to have an epidural which wasn’t originally in my birth plan but under the circumstances, I didn’t want to feel the pain of the labor.
The labor was a breeze. I slept during a lot of it and didn’t feel any pain. During my labor I thought of David in the Bible and how he worshipped God when his son died. I did the same. I sang worship songs to myself and prayed and prayed and prayed.
Friday, October 30, at 8:06 am, Gabriel James was born at 34 weeks. He weighed 4 lbs 8 oz and was 17 inches long. I prayed to hear him cry but of course, he did not.
It only took two pushes to get him out. Right after, I asked what it was and my midwife said “you have a beautiful boy.” But it wasn’t a joyful “It’s a boy!” There was sadness in her voice. However, she was right. He was beautiful. The most beautiful baby boy I’d ever seen. He had my nose, my ears, and my long fingers. He had Daniel’s forehead, lips and chin.
I held him, kissed him, and looked at all parts of him trying to engrave him into my memory.
We had many friends and family members come visit us. Some got to hold Gabriel and see his beautiful boy features. There were many tears from many people. The best gift we have been given. There was a lot of prayer and we felt it. We could feel the presence of the Lord in that room with us.
We had to leave on Saturday. I vividly remember having to hand Gabriel to the nurse. The last time I would see him until Heaven. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. It makes me cry now just remembering that moment.
Then we left the hospital…empty handed.
And that is where the journey began.
“But I trust in you, O Lord; I say, ‘You are my God.’ My times are in your hands.” Psalm 31:14-15
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Forgiveness
It seems my grieving process has themes. The last theme was knowing God's love. I don't know why. I always thought I knew God loved me. But to know He delights in me is a little hard for me to grasp. The love I have for my children is so great but the love God has for me is even greater. The kind of love you truly can't get from anyone else.
Anyways, so now the theme is forgiveness and honestly this is hard for me. My pride and anger get in the way so much.
Forgiveness in all sorts of ways.
Forgiving myself. Even though in my head, knowing I couldn't do anything to save my children doesn't mean I haven't been down the path of "what did I do wrong?" or "why didn't I do..." or "if only..." I told myself, "it wasn't my fault" but deep down I really felt it was, at least a couple of times. So I ask God for help in forgiving myself.
Forgiving others. This type comes in different ways as well. I have learned forgiving others is more for me than for them. Besides, most of them don't even know I need or needed to forgive them. Forgiving those who have said hurtfull or thoughtless things (not many have but there has been a couple). Forgiving those that haven't "been there" like I thought they should have been (this one has been hard). Forgiving those that have been having healthy, live, babies, even though I know for sure they did nothing wrong. Like I said, more for me than them. I ask God for help daily, in forgiving others.
Forgiving God. I know, that seems weird. But I've heard from a couple different sources it's a good thing to do mostly just for my healing. God gets the blame a lot in these situations. Yes, God could have saved all three of my children. He could have healed me from the virus and Gabriel could have lived. However, He chose not to. I don't know why, He is God, so His ways are not our ways. So for my benefit and my healing I forgive God for allowing my children to go to Heaven before me.
And last, asking for forgiveness. Perhaps this goes along the same lines as forgiving myself. I ask God for forgiveness for all sorts of reasons. The anger. The unbelief. The not trusting Him. The thoughts I've had. The envy. And the list goes on.
Forgiveness is freedom.
Friday, November 6, 2009 From my journal:
*Today was a blessed day. Halayna spent the night with Mom and Dad so she could go with spend time with her aunt.
Daniel and I got to sleep in until almost ten o'clock! We must have been tired.
We went to Gustav's for lunch with Mom and Dad where we had some delicious fondue. After lunch, we went to a movie. It was a good distraction.
After the movie, we had to run some errands again! We stopped by my store to pick up some paperwork. We received a sympathy card with some money. I counted the donations and was astonished when it came out to be $500.00. I was shocked! We needed $600.00 to cover the cost of the burial. We were praying for the money to come in since there was no way we could come up with it. What an amazing God and faithful too! Praise God!
We already received $250.00 earlier. That pretty much paid for the casket. Praise God!
So we just needed $100.00 more to cover the rest of the burial.
We came home and opened our mail. We got a sympathy card from Daniel's friends and a check for $100.00. So that's it! The burial and casket are paid for! Praise God!
Today was definately a blessed day.
Daniel and I got to ride the motorcycle for the first time together too. That was nice.
We had a nice day full of nice distractions.
Thanks be to you Lord Jesus! I pray for all those who donated their hard-earned money to us. Please bless them most abundantly and financially. Bless them for their giving!*
Anyways, so now the theme is forgiveness and honestly this is hard for me. My pride and anger get in the way so much.
Forgiveness in all sorts of ways.
Forgiving myself. Even though in my head, knowing I couldn't do anything to save my children doesn't mean I haven't been down the path of "what did I do wrong?" or "why didn't I do..." or "if only..." I told myself, "it wasn't my fault" but deep down I really felt it was, at least a couple of times. So I ask God for help in forgiving myself.
Forgiving others. This type comes in different ways as well. I have learned forgiving others is more for me than for them. Besides, most of them don't even know I need or needed to forgive them. Forgiving those who have said hurtfull or thoughtless things (not many have but there has been a couple). Forgiving those that haven't "been there" like I thought they should have been (this one has been hard). Forgiving those that have been having healthy, live, babies, even though I know for sure they did nothing wrong. Like I said, more for me than them. I ask God for help daily, in forgiving others.
Forgiving God. I know, that seems weird. But I've heard from a couple different sources it's a good thing to do mostly just for my healing. God gets the blame a lot in these situations. Yes, God could have saved all three of my children. He could have healed me from the virus and Gabriel could have lived. However, He chose not to. I don't know why, He is God, so His ways are not our ways. So for my benefit and my healing I forgive God for allowing my children to go to Heaven before me.
And last, asking for forgiveness. Perhaps this goes along the same lines as forgiving myself. I ask God for forgiveness for all sorts of reasons. The anger. The unbelief. The not trusting Him. The thoughts I've had. The envy. And the list goes on.
Forgiveness is freedom.
Friday, November 6, 2009 From my journal:
*Today was a blessed day. Halayna spent the night with Mom and Dad so she could go with spend time with her aunt.
Daniel and I got to sleep in until almost ten o'clock! We must have been tired.
We went to Gustav's for lunch with Mom and Dad where we had some delicious fondue. After lunch, we went to a movie. It was a good distraction.
After the movie, we had to run some errands again! We stopped by my store to pick up some paperwork. We received a sympathy card with some money. I counted the donations and was astonished when it came out to be $500.00. I was shocked! We needed $600.00 to cover the cost of the burial. We were praying for the money to come in since there was no way we could come up with it. What an amazing God and faithful too! Praise God!
We already received $250.00 earlier. That pretty much paid for the casket. Praise God!
So we just needed $100.00 more to cover the rest of the burial.
We came home and opened our mail. We got a sympathy card from Daniel's friends and a check for $100.00. So that's it! The burial and casket are paid for! Praise God!
Today was definately a blessed day.
Daniel and I got to ride the motorcycle for the first time together too. That was nice.
We had a nice day full of nice distractions.
Thanks be to you Lord Jesus! I pray for all those who donated their hard-earned money to us. Please bless them most abundantly and financially. Bless them for their giving!*
Monday, February 8, 2010
Wednesday, November 4, 2009 Entry from my journal
This is my first entry in my "grief" journal. It is what I wrote at the time and the feelings I had were very real and very raw. I won't post all of the entries but I will post some so that you will know about my journey and where it has brought me. Just know that I wrote what I was feeling at the time so it might seem like a broken record. However, this writing has helped in my grief. I also wrote a prayer at the end of each entry. It's neat to look back to see how God has been working in my life. So, here we go!
*Well, today is my birthday. 29 years old. Five days ago I gave birth to my son Gabriel. The last couple of days haven't been so bad but today just blew up in my face the moment I woke up this morning. Maybe because my birthdays usually should be "happy". This is the most miserable birthday I've ever had.
We decided to go ahead and "celebrate" it like we had originally planned by going to a tea room/house. I had some intense, painful, cramping this morning which didn't help my mood any. However, they did subside before we left for tea. The food and tea were good and we had a nice time but I still felt blah and it was hard to really enjoy it. I wished so badly that I was still pregnant like I "should" have been.
After tea, the three of us did some errands. Daniel was irritated and didn't want to go but I didn't want to go alone. We needed to get some things for Gabriel's memorial service and I needed some dressy black pants. I was getting extremely irritated when everything I tried on didn't fit right. I had to remind myself I had just given birth 5 days earlier. I was determined NOT to get maternity pants. I eventually found a pair that worked.
After we got home, I worked on some of the items for Gabriel's memorial service. The picture (I drew) and frame turned out beautiful. The case we had gotten for the castings was broken so we have to take it back to the store. Yes, very irritating.
The rest of the evening, we had dinner, dessert, and watched a movie. Somewhat nice.
Then, we went to put Halayna to bed. Daniel read her a book and brushed her teeth. Halayna wanted to pray like we usually do every night. She wanted me to pray with her so we began as usual. We got to the part about blessing. Since Gabriel is now in Heaven with our Lord, there's no need to pray for him anymore. He's doing much better than us. So, naturally I skipped him and Halayna didn't like that. She insisted on blessing him. I broke down and started crying. Daniel had to finish with her. After I gave Halayna hugs and kisses and said goodnight to her, I went to take a shower. A place I like to talk to God. I was so frustrated and broken-hearted. Not was, is!
I'm frustrated because God knows everything and everything that's going to happen. So if Gabriel was too good for earth than why would He allow me to be pregnant with him knowing he was going to die? I don't get it! I know God will use this for His purpose and good but not knowing what that is drives me crazy!
I miss Gabriel so badly and I so wish I was still pregnant with him. I want to feel him and hold him. I hate this feeling. The hole in my heart. I keep asking God to mend my broken heart but it just keeps on breaking.
How can you love somebody so much that your whole being yearns to be with them?
I pray for strength now so I can try to wait to see my son again.
He's a part of me that has left and won't ever return. Will my heart ever be put back together again? Will I ever stop crying for him?
God, my heart is in agony, my whole being is sad beyond any sadness I've ever felt. When will my mourning turn to joy? That is your promise.
Lord, please help me every minute of every day until your promise comes true. I need you more than ever. Mend my broken heart please!*
*Well, today is my birthday. 29 years old. Five days ago I gave birth to my son Gabriel. The last couple of days haven't been so bad but today just blew up in my face the moment I woke up this morning. Maybe because my birthdays usually should be "happy". This is the most miserable birthday I've ever had.
We decided to go ahead and "celebrate" it like we had originally planned by going to a tea room/house. I had some intense, painful, cramping this morning which didn't help my mood any. However, they did subside before we left for tea. The food and tea were good and we had a nice time but I still felt blah and it was hard to really enjoy it. I wished so badly that I was still pregnant like I "should" have been.
After tea, the three of us did some errands. Daniel was irritated and didn't want to go but I didn't want to go alone. We needed to get some things for Gabriel's memorial service and I needed some dressy black pants. I was getting extremely irritated when everything I tried on didn't fit right. I had to remind myself I had just given birth 5 days earlier. I was determined NOT to get maternity pants. I eventually found a pair that worked.
After we got home, I worked on some of the items for Gabriel's memorial service. The picture (I drew) and frame turned out beautiful. The case we had gotten for the castings was broken so we have to take it back to the store. Yes, very irritating.
The rest of the evening, we had dinner, dessert, and watched a movie. Somewhat nice.
Then, we went to put Halayna to bed. Daniel read her a book and brushed her teeth. Halayna wanted to pray like we usually do every night. She wanted me to pray with her so we began as usual. We got to the part about blessing. Since Gabriel is now in Heaven with our Lord, there's no need to pray for him anymore. He's doing much better than us. So, naturally I skipped him and Halayna didn't like that. She insisted on blessing him. I broke down and started crying. Daniel had to finish with her. After I gave Halayna hugs and kisses and said goodnight to her, I went to take a shower. A place I like to talk to God. I was so frustrated and broken-hearted. Not was, is!
I'm frustrated because God knows everything and everything that's going to happen. So if Gabriel was too good for earth than why would He allow me to be pregnant with him knowing he was going to die? I don't get it! I know God will use this for His purpose and good but not knowing what that is drives me crazy!
I miss Gabriel so badly and I so wish I was still pregnant with him. I want to feel him and hold him. I hate this feeling. The hole in my heart. I keep asking God to mend my broken heart but it just keeps on breaking.
How can you love somebody so much that your whole being yearns to be with them?
I pray for strength now so I can try to wait to see my son again.
He's a part of me that has left and won't ever return. Will my heart ever be put back together again? Will I ever stop crying for him?
God, my heart is in agony, my whole being is sad beyond any sadness I've ever felt. When will my mourning turn to joy? That is your promise.
Lord, please help me every minute of every day until your promise comes true. I need you more than ever. Mend my broken heart please!*
New Blog
Welcome to my new blog. I hope to share a bit about myself and the grief journey I've been going through among other things. Hope you all enjoy reading! Let me know what you think!
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