Update...finally!

I apologize for the lack of blogging lately. With the move and setting up the house and no internet access from home, I've definetely slacked on my blog. So my apologies and wanted to let you know that no, I have not fallen off the face of the earth. So here's a few updates.

End of August. Our house was moved and have spent much time getting it set up. We are STILL in the process of unpacking some boxes and trying to get rid of things we don't need anymore. What a chore! But a good distraction from my grief.

September. It was a hard month. I tried to figure out why it was so hard but as I've learned with grief, there is no rhyme or reason for feeling bad. Grief is a rollercoaster. I did have an ah-ha moment when I realized my nephew's 2nd birthday was coming up. My second baby (first miscarriage) was due two days after my nephew was due. That reason along with the fact that it was getting closer to October and the time I lost Gabriel may be the reason.
A lot of tears...

Beginning of October. I'm feeling a little better this month which is odd to me. Thinking I would be having a hard time...maybe when it get's closer to the end of the month. Not sure.
I am 33 weeks pregnant now. I do find myself thinking about how much "Sweet Pea" is moving (like right now :)) and loving every bit of it. I am just so happy to be here pregnant with her. I will be having an ultrasound next week just to make sure everything is going well. My midwife said, if anything, for peace of mind. Am I worried? Not too much. I'm nervous but not about the ultrasound necessarily as just being at the 34 week mark which is when Gabriel died. I am being hopeful and positive though and I really think "Sweet Pea" will be fine!

I still think of Gabriel everyday. His first birthday is coming up so that's probably why he's on my mind a lot. I talk about him still. Look at his pictures and cry or smile because he was so beautiful. I miss him terribly. I even am feeling irritated again that I don't have him. It passes rather quickly but it's still there. I still want him. I pray about him often. Here I am almost a year after his death and it's still hard. I think it will always be hard. Having to bury your child is just so unnatural. Or maybe it's not but just feels like it.
Being an American, we have so much. If we want it, we find a way to have it. But this is one thing that there is no way to have even though I want it badly enough. Maybe that's why loss is so hard for us to deal with sometimes. Maybe it's hard for everyone, no matter their circumstances. I guess I just know what I'm going through at this time in my grief.

Thank you all for your continued prayers for our family. I will ask for you to continue as I get closer to the 34 week mark and closer to Gabriel's birthday. I don't want to be a miserable person on or around his birthday. I want to look at it as a gift rather than something that was taken away from me. And I know in order to achieve that, I'll need prayer. I'll need the Lord to help me through it. "Lord, help me and my family through these next few weeks."

Busy...moving

Sorry I haven't posted a new blog lately. Our family has been incredibly busy in a good way. We're in the process of moving. A big event in our lives since we have only lived in one place together. We're actually going to be living in the same house, only a different location.
All of this has kept me quite busy so there's little time to think about "stuff". However, I still think of Gabriel everyday and miss him everyday. I'm really looking forward to setting up a "place" for him in our house at our new location. And have been thinking about it a lot.

On another note...a while back I was talking to a mother about the birth of her new baby boy. And I can say for the first time, I wasn't jealous or angry or annoyed. I was genuinely happy for her. I didn't have to pretend at all! It was such a wonderful feeling! She asked me if I had a son...and I told her that I did but that he passed away. I've been finding it easier to tell people of him. I don't tell everyone, it depends on the situation and the person. But mentioning him keeps him alive in some way. That yes, he did exist. And it still talk about him. I'm still comparing this pregnancy to his and Halayna's.

All in all, I've been feeling pretty good. Although, when I was packing, I was a little heartbroken at the fact, I wasn't packing any boy toys or boy clothes. But got through it and will still get through it as we go to unpack the lack of boy things.

As always, I'm very thankful for your continued prayers!

The Stone

It's kind of hard to see...his name is in the middle. Here's what it says:

Gabriel James

Born into the arms of Jesus

on October 30, 2009

Thanks to my friend, Charity who took this photo!

I haven't been to the cemetary since this was taken. There's no peticular reason. I think about going, it just doesn't happen. And it's not really a place I want to go alone...I guess I just don't really like going to cemetaries. I don't think of Gabriel as being there. I think of him in Heaven playing and laughing with Jesus and his family and other little children. I am hoping to at least get to the cemetary on his birthday to honor his memory. Maybe bring some flowers or a pinwheel (I have two still!).

I still think of Gabriel everyday but haven't cried for a while. It's hard to imagine what he'd be like now at 9 months if he would have lived. It's hard to think of what your child would have been like when you never got a chance to meet them.

I do know one thing, he would have been as beautiful as the day he was born!

And now the tears come...

Loving you, missing you, thinking of you, everyday...baby boy.

The Graveside Service

I was going through Gabriel's box of memorabilia. I got a bit choked up and teary-eyed. I thought it would be nice to share some things with you.


We had a private Graveside Service for Gabriel. Here's some pictures. Sorry some are blurry.

The urn was with Grandpa's ashes. Gabriel and Grandpa Wodtke were buried together. The flowers in the vase were for Gabriel. The patriotic flowers were for Jim.

Each of us put a flower on the casket.

Daddy

Grandma

Grammy and Halayna

Papa

Halayna

Aunt Carrie

Grammy

Aunt Hyunjin


Goodbye our sweet Gabriel. Until we see you again in Heaven...

I was looking in the book that people signed at the memorial service. Here are some of what they wrote that I thought was really sweet.

"I will see you in Heaven. Love you baby Gabriel."

"The Archangel Gabriel needs some help in the heavenlies so he summoned my grandson Gabriel to join him. Can't wait to join him someday." -Papa

"Gabriel, we loved you before you were born and will be able to love you in heaven again one day."

"Gabriel will always hold a special place in all our hearts, he will be remembered always."

"Little perfect one. You really missed a wonderful family here on earth, but they know you are with our Heavenly Father, peaceful, happy and never will know a tear, pain, or sorrow. Send a little of peace to those who will miss you."

"Sweet Pea"

Tears burned my eyes tonight as I looked at Gabriel's ultrasound picture. It's hard to go back to that moment when he was alive and to now be in this moment knowing he is not.

I have had such joy and excitement yesterday and today since seeing "Sweet Pea". But there is that other family member not getting to celebrate his younger sibling.


Before the ultrasound, I still had not decided yet if I wanted to know the gender of the baby. I didn't finally decide until the ultrasound tech. told me to decide quickly since she wanted to look at the baby's blatter. I had been thinking it would be fun to be surprised again but I felt like knowing if this was a boy or girl would give me a better connection with the baby. I feel like maybe I would have had a better connection with Gabriel if I had known he was a boy. So that's when I told the tech. that yeah I wanted to know.

I wasn't too surprised when we found out the gender. If you've read my other postings and if you know about all my children, you'd know that there seems to be a pattern of genders. First was a girl, Halayna. Second, even though I don't know for sure, I thought it was a boy. Third, still not knowing for sure, I thought it was a girl. Fourth was Gabriel, all boy! So, obviously this has to be a....girl! And I couldn't be happier. Was I hoping for a boy? No. I was hoping for a healthy, normal baby. I smile when I think of "Sweet Pea." She is beautiful and I can't wait to meet her in November!

Thank you all my faithful blog readers for sharing in this happiness with me!

Ultrasound

I had a bit of joy today!
I got to see my precious, sweet #5!
And yes, I was very nervous going in! My heart was probably beating just as fast as Baby's! The ultrasound tech. went over everything and it all seemed fine which eased my mind!

We came home and compared ultrasound pictures with Halayna's and Gabriel's. We think Baby looks like Gabriel based off of the profile ultrasound pictures.

I was filled with such joy just watching my baby moving around on the screen.

We did find out the gender and I will post it here later.
For now, we'll call baby #5, "Sweet Pea".

It's been more than 8 months

Gabriel has been gone longer than he was alive.
Isn't it amazing how many lives have been changed by this little baby boy we never got to know?
How many lives were changed by this boy who was only alive for 7 1/2 months.

I can say that I still think of Gabriel everyday but I haven't cried for him for a while and I've been feeling good. Of course I know that with grief, there are ups and downs. So I've been feeling up lately. Maybe it's the anticipation of this new baby, #5.

This new baby reminds me of Gabriel though. The other day, when I grabbed Daniel's hand to feel baby move, baby stopped. Just like Gabriel did when he was this small. Of course, Halayna could have done that too but I just don't remember. Plus, I didn't feel Halayna move until I was further along. It reminded me of Gabriel and I didn't feel sad. I actually smiled and had a good memory of him. It was such a nice feeling since there just aren't very many memories of him.

I'm looking forward to getting some pictures of Gabriel printed and getting some frames up after we move our house. And of course, I still have the memory book to do. Something I still have not done. Something that I'm still not sure how to do exactly and of course, haven't found the perfect time or the perfect materials to do so. Will I ever?

A Visitor from Heaven

A visitor from heaven,
If only for awhile.
A gift of love to be returned.
We think of you and smile.

A visitor from heaven,
Accompanied by grace.
Reminding of a better love
And of a better place.

With aching hearts and empty arms,
We send you with a name.
It hurts so much to let you go,
But we're so glad you came.
We're so glad you came.

A visitor from heaven,
If only for a day.
We thank Him for the time He gave,
And now it's time to say,
We trust you to the Father's love,
And to His tender care.
Held in the everlasting arms,
And we're so glad you're there.
We're so glad you're there.

With breaking hearts and open hands,
We send you with a name.
It hurts so much to let you go,
But we're so glad you came.
We're so glad you came.

By, Twila Paris


Missing you baby boy.

Before he died.

This picture was taken at the zoo on or near Halayna's 4th birthday (October 13, 2009). In the picture with me is my sister, Carrie and the boy she nannies, Justin.

I was 7 months pregnant here. Just a couple of weeks before Gabriel died.

I can now look at this picure and smile as I remember being very happy and excited to meet this little one. But it also makes me want to cry for that same reason. How happy I was before he died.

I was thinking about Gabriel last night. Remembering the thoughts I had the morning before I found out he died. On the way to the hospital thinking everything would be fine and that he was ok. It's hard to go back to those days and relive the thoughts I had. But I still go back. I go back to that same day often.
Last night when I was reliving those memories I thought about how I wished I had more time with him. More time to just hold him, look at him. He was born Friday morning at 8:06 am on October 30. I had to give him up Saturday sometime around noon I think on October 31. One day. It doesn't seem fair. But would one more day make it better? Probably not. Because then I would probably still think, I wish I had more time with him.


I have scheduled my first ultrasound. It's in two days. And naturally, I'm excited and nervous. I just want baby #5 to be healthy and well. I find myself getting scared and upset when baby isn't moving a whole lot. And I know that's understandable. I don't want to be in this constant state of fear. If I could just turn it off, I would. How can I? When I am feeling fearful, I pray. The Lord says "trust me". And I ask Him to help me to. Then I usually feel better because I know the Lord will take care of me. I just want this baby so badly. I want this baby to live! To cry when he/she is born.

Oh Lord, I cry out to you for peace. Oh Lord, please give me peace.

Father's Day

I'm not sure exactly how Daniel was feeling yesterday during Father's Day. As far as I know he was doing better then I was on Mother's Day. I was hoping to stop by the cemetary to leave some flowers for Daniel's dad, Jim and Gabriel (they're buried together). But we didn't get around to doing that.
Late Father's Day evening we were watching a movie and relaxing after Halayna went to bed. I was laying there and feeling baby move. I could actually feel baby with my hand! So I told Daniel and grabbed his hand. He then felt baby move! It was so exciting! I don't remember getting to feel Halayna or Gabriel with my hand so early. I told Daniel I had to write it down so I don't forget when he first felt baby. Then he said, "Father's Day." I said, "oh yeah!"
How cool is that?

Feeling better

Well, I've been feeling much better lately. Posting pictures of Gabriel and writing him that note seemed to help.
I think the reason I was having a hard time was because of this new pregnancy reminding me so much of when I was pregnant of Gabriel. My mom gave me a collage of pictures of Gabriel on Mother's Day. I've been very grateful for that and the chance to just glance up in my living room to see him. I still haven't gotten any pictures printed myself. It's not that I don't want to it's just that I haven't. I haven't found the right frame either. And since we'll be moving soon, I don't want to set something up on my wall only to take it down.
Having the collage and seeing Gabriel often has really helped me remember Gabriel as Gabriel and this baby as this baby. It's helped me to seperate the two pregnancies.
I'm still comparing pregnancies between Halayna, Gabriel and this one. But I've found I can really seperate them now.
I've been feeling the baby move which has been such a wonderful feeling. It makes me smile and gets me giddy inside. I wonder what people might think seeing me smile for what they think is no reason. What a wonderful thing to have a beautiful child growing inside. I am so fortunate to experience this.
I've even talked to baby a few times. I tell him/her that I love him/her and that I can't wait to meet him/her and that I really want him/her. Halayna also talks to baby as if him/her is here. She kisses my tummy too. How precious!
So right now, I find my positivity and confidence coming back. My trust is in the Lord and that He'll take care of me. Jeremiah 29:11 comes to mind.

Tears

I am sitting here, with wet cheeks. After reading stories of other mothers who have children in heaven. There are so many! After reading about each one, I ask "God why?" "Why are our perfect, beautiful children taken from us?" I don't expect an answer. I just throw it out there. It is just so heartbreaking. So many others going through the same grief as I am. I feel so close to them. Like we're all in a special group together. Even though I've never met them. There will always be a connection with those other women.
What can I do? What can we do to help all of these hurting women out there? What can we do? There is just so much pain...

Don't forget about us. Don't forget about the babies not with us. Say their names. Talk about them. Cry for us. Pray for us. Listen to us. Let us know you're thinking about us. Don't forget...because we haven't.

My beautiful Gabriel

My beautiful Gabriel,

I miss you more than anything right now. Looking at your beautiful face in pictures makes me smile and cry. I wish you were here with me now but I know you're with our Father in Heaven running and playing. Playing "tickle toes" with your grandpa and sitting on Jesus' lap. I bet you've even met Paul and Noah, Abraham and Elijah. And probably your ancestors we've only read about. Even your older brother and sister. Before I get to see you again, know that I think of you often, everyday, and love you more than words can express. I will never forget you, my beautiful son, Gabriel.

Love, your mommy.

Positive and Confident

I can be honest and say that like the last week or week and a half have been hard on me. I've been constantly thinking about my son, Gabriel and missing him more than you can imagine. I've had a couple of dreams about him but nothing happy. I don't remember them I just remember the feeling after I woke up from them. And it wasn't an uplifting feeling.

The journey of grief takes you to so many different places and different thoughts. It changes you like you thought could never happen. So here I am trying to learn about the new me. Does that make sense? Trying to figure out who I really am now...

I went to church on Sunday where we heard the Worship pastor speak. He talked about passions. Our passions and how we could use them in the church or to benefit others.
That made me think about my passions. What are my passions? I always thought I knew what they were. But I think they kind of died with Gabriel. Or maybe just during this season of grief, they've died.
One passion of mine was crafts. How I usually love to create, to make things for not just myself but for others as well. I've had very little interest in spending a lot of time in my craft room. There were a few days that I was in there working on crafts but it ended. I am hoping it will come back.
Another passion was health. Eating healthy, being healthy. This one I've had tremendous conflict with. The fact that I was trying so hard to be healthy while being pregnant with Gabriel and how it didn't matter. It did no good. And it's not that I did a complete 180 and now I eat terribly. I still am trying to be healthy and natural but I find myself not caring so much anymore.
In fact I find myself not caring about a lot of things. Maybe this is just a process of grief. I used to be such a positive, confident person...at least that's what I think. I was very positive and confident about Gabriel and was for certain he was God's way of redeeming my two miscarriages. And when he died my confidence was shattered. All gone! Being positive is hard for me now. Something I have to really try hard for. When Gabriel died, it was a slap in the face that seemed to say, "take that you positive person!"
My mom has told me that she learned how important it is to be positive when you're pregnant. That what you say can affect the baby long term. And I agree. But I'm finding it so hard. How can I be positive and confident like I was with Gabriel? Especially since he died? I try and try but deep down inside I'm hoping everyday that my baby's heart is still beating. Is that being positive?
Now don't get me wrong, I'm so happy to be pregnant again and I really really REALLY want this baby! More than I'm sure I let on. But I suppose as a defense mechanism, I'm not letting myself become too positive or too confident so that I'm not let down again. But I want to be. How do I trick myself into being so confident again?
I don't think this baby will die. But can it happen? Well of course, I didn't think Gabriel was going to die and he did. Sin affects everyone! In different ways. No matter what.

So who am I now? Not entirely sure I guess. Somebody who's trying to find their way through the journey of grief I suppose. One day at a time.

So my husband has been bugging me since it's been FOREVER since I've written here...

I had my first appointment for baby #5 last Thursday 5/20. I was really nervous about going. I had the appointment all figured out before I went. Thank the Lord, it didn't quite go as I had planned. The nurse educator had all the information on Gabriel so I didn't have to go into too much detail which I was very thankful about. She did say how sorry she was and she really seemed sincere which was sweet. Not too far into the appt. she got the doppler out to hear baby's heartbeat. She had the little thing moving all over my belly...I was getting very nervous and was thinking ok, well, if there's no heartbeat then the next step will be...that's when she said, "just because I can't find it, doesn't mean it's not there." Then all of a sudden there it was. In the 160's. I was relieved. After that appt. my Mother-in-law took me maternity clothes shopping and got me a couple of things! So sweet of her and it made me feel so good! :)

Then on Monday I had my first midwife appointment with the same midwife who delivered Gabriel. She was happy to see me again and was very nice. I got to hear baby's heartbeat again and that was nice. My midwife said my uteris was measuring bigger than 13 weeks (which is how far along I am). I was thinking...twins? That would be super! And it does run in the family... My midwife didn't seem too concerned so we'll find out for sure...for sure...later! However we did only hear one heartbeat so maybe baby is a big baby like I was...just ask my mom! :)

My belly is growing and with it my excitement is also growing. Just hearing that little heartbeat...

But I still think of Gabriel, everday. I miss him, still cry for him, still wish he was here. Still grieving...

We're thinking of visiting his gravesite on Friday. Bringing him a pinwheel...

A prayer request please. I learned that a guy I went to highschool with, lost his 3 year old daughter to an accident. And I feel for their family because I understand what it's like to have to bury your child. My heart truly goes out to them. Please pray for them. Thanks!

Last time our griefshare group got together we got to do a project together. We painted rocks. We were to paint a word or something that was meaningful to us. This is what I painted:

Lots of tears...

I visited a few blogs about other moms who have had to bury their children like I did.

In a way I felt comforted at the fact I wasn't alone and that there were other's out there going through similar grief.

On the other hand, I felt terrible for them and a flood of tears came streaming down my face, for them and for me.

It is so unfair to have to bury your child.


I've been very emotional the past few days. Not sure why exactly but I've shed a million tears! Could be crazy horomones...
But I think it's just that I miss my son.

After visiting the blogs and looking at pictures of their beautiful babies, I looked at the pictures of Gabriel. It has been a while since I've looked at them. I am reminded of how beautiful he was. I've looked at the pictures a hundred times and sometimes I cry and other times I smile. Well, I cried tonight and felt the urge to grab him out of my computer. If only I could...

So yes, 6 months since he was born has gone by and my grief is changing..but that's just it, I'm still very much grieving and missing my son. And I know, I will always miss him...

Maybe I'm so emotional because Mother's Day is coming. Definately a bittersweet one this year. Celebrating the fact that I'm a mother to 5 now. Celebrating that I have Halayna with me and #5 on the way. But also grieving the fact that three of my children are not with me. Especially Gabriel who should be around 5 months old today if he would have been born on his due date. If I could ask for one gift on Mother's Day, it would be to have all my children with me...healthy...and alive...but I know that's a gift nobody can ever give me.

At least I have my daughter. I will just have to hug and kiss her and tell her I love her all day long until she gets annoyed at me...of course I do this on a regular basis and not just on Mother's Day... :)

So when you're praying please pray for all the parents out there that have had to bury their children. All those mothers out there that are having a hard time with Mother's Day this year. Thank you.

My #1

I was having a conversation with my daughter, Halayna, while she was sitting on my lap. We were talking about all sorts of things, nothing in peticular. She started saying something about her brother...her brother was going to do this or that. I think she was talking about the baby in my tummy. Not sure exactly. So I said to her, "you know you had a brother, right?" She said, "yeah Gabriel." I asked, "do you know where he is?" She said, "yeah, he's in Heaven." I agreed with her and then she said, "I really miss that baby." "Me too." I said.

How precious was that? It just melted my heart.

We talked some more about if the new baby is a boy or girl and what names we could name them. It got to be really silly and we were having a lot of fun.

But as I was taking a shower, I got to thinking about it. Not only are we affected by this for the rest of our lives, but Halayna will also be affected for the rest of her life. She'll have this brother she never knew or touched or got to hold. As "ripped off" as I feel, it's the same for her too.

It makes me think of the relationship with my brother and how he use to push all my buttons when we were kids. Oh, he use to irritate me so much! Of course we also had a ton of fun playing together and ganging up on my older sister.

So I feel really bad for Halayna that she's missing out on that relationship with Gabriel. Who knows, maybe she will have a brother some day...

I'm hoping and praying her loss of her brother won't affect her in a bad way in the future.

I love Halayna so incredibly much! She is just an awesome kid! Even though she drives me crazy at times... :)

Please keep her in your prayers also as it's easy to forget how much our loss affects her and her future. Thanks!

6 months

Can you believe it has been 6 months already? That's 6 months since my son, Gabriel was born. 6 months ago when I had to say "good-bye" to him before I could say "hello".
My grief has changed. I don't cry so much anymore. But I still think of him most days.
Today though, I just really miss him. Oh how I wish I could hold him in my arms and give him a kiss. (Now, I'm making myself cry...) But with grief, I expect times like these when it's a little harder and when I miss him a little more.
However, I do have a lot going on in my life right now which helps with the "moving on" part of it.
I am 10 weeks pregnant today and so hoping this baby lives. I really don't want to have to say good-bye to this one as well as the others. But my trust is in God and that He has everything under control. No matter what happens I know, with Him, I can get through anything.
We are also in the middle of trying to buy a piece of property to move our house onto. It's a beautiful 11 acres with a barn and some out buildings. We are hoping everything will go through and we're able to close by May 20. This is something we've always wanted to do and something we've often prayed about.
I just feel a sense of God wanting to bless us right now and this is another blessing for us.
So please, still keep us in your prayers as we are still grieving the loss of our son and please pray that everything with our property situation goes smoothly. And with the new baby, that no matter what happens, my trust will still be in God and his goodness.
We are looking forward to a great 2010 full of hope, joy, and new life.
Thank you always for walking along with me in my grief and praying for us continually. Love you all!

Sorry to all my faithful blog readers...I haven't written here in some time...So here I am to catch up!

Last week was a wonderful week for me. A girlfriend of mine that I hadn't seen in 5 years was able to come down for the week and spend some time with me. I have to say that God really has blessed me with her friendship. What an amazing woman of God. I was so encouraged just talking with her. We had a ton of fun.
We went down to the Coast and spent some time with ladies from the griefshare group I've been attending. The beach was just beautiful! We came home on Wednesday. We spent most of Thursday talking and then she took us out for dinner that evening. YUM! After dinner we came back home and I showed her pictures of Gabriel and some of the keepsakes from the hospital, items I have left to remember him by. We ended up staying up until about 4am Friday morning just talking. On Friday afternoon, I introduced her to my favorite dessert, Creme Brulee, since she had never had it before. After dessert we went and visited the cemetary where Gabriel is buried. I got to see the new marker. It's very nice! I then had to see her off at the train station. I wish she could have stayed longer but we're really going to try to get together again this summer. Hoping we won't let 5 years go by again! And by the way, she is also pregnant! She is due mid-October. How exciting for us! :)

I have really been feeling blessed lately. The returning of JOY! I have this feeling that God really wants to bless us. This feeling that He's proud of us or is delighting in us. Even though I know I screw up all the time, He is so forgiving and still delights in me. What an amazing thought. It almost makes me want to cry.

Speaking of crying, I was thinking about my precious baby boy last night and cried. It's been a while since I last cried so it was due time... :) A good cry. Just a cry because I miss him.

I bought a few new "praise and worship" cd's and there is one song in peticular that I've labeled as "my song" so I'd like to share the lyrics with you. The group is "Ten Shekel Shirt" and the song is on the album "Much".

"Ocean"

"Lately I've been thinkin' about You
And lately I've been dreaming of You
And lately I can't get You ouf of my head
Get You out of my head

Something about the ocean
Makes me rise up and praise
Something about the heavens
Makes me stand in awe again
Something about the sunrise
Reminds me of Your faithfulness
Something about the ocean (Your presence)
And I'm lost in love again

I'll sing until I sense a smile
Upon Your great and lovely face
And till I know Your glory's in this place
Your glory's in this place"

There are some other great songs on that same album. Maybe I'll include some more on here.

The verse that has been on my mind and in my heart lately is Jeremiah 29:11 The verse that has been turned into a prayer. "For You know the plans You have for me, Lord. Plans to prosper me and not to harm me, plans to give me a hope and a future."

Marker...

I am so excited to announce that the marker is now in place at the cemetary where Gabriel was buried with his grandpa's ashes.

If you would like to visit here is the information:

Evergreen Memorial Gardens
Garden of Apostles
Space 1
Lot 424

I just found out it is now there so I haven't visited yet. I'm hoping to pick up my Mother-in-law and go do that soon!
I'm hoping having a place I can go and leave some flowers will help my grieving process and my road to healing!

Memories...

Lately I've found myself...happy. Happy to have heartburn, happy that I'm on the toilet A LOT, happy that "the girls" hurt, happy that I get nauseated, happy that I'm tired...all the blessed pregnancy symptoms.

But there's always that "thought" in the back of my mind. What if this one, too, doesn't make it. Then God reminds me to trust Him. And I feel like I'm really trying. Putting this circumstance, this pregnancy, in His hands. There's really nothing else I can do anyways. But there's still a little fear...and I know fear is not of the Lord. So does that mean I'm not trusting Him enough? Or is this just another part of grief?

I guess maybe it's because I was really confident and trusting when I was pregnant with Gabriel and when he died, I felt really let down. Almost rejected...by God. And of course, I don't feel that now. I know that's a lie. God is perfect, He would never reject His children. I know that is truth. I'm just wondering if that is where this "fear" comes from.


Anyways, my prayer lately has been that I just don't want to be so sad anymore. I've been praying for the Lord to really restore joy in me. I want to be truly happy again.

I noticed a friend had her baby. Her second, a boy. And I saw a picture of him. I actually don't remember feeling jealous. I definately wasn't jumping up and down with joy but for the first time, I wasn't envious. Of course, I thought, how it would have been for me if Gabriel would have lived and how he would have looked just born. And that made me feel a little sorry for myself and a bit teary-eyed (of course that's been happening a lot with these raging horomones). But it was freeing to not feel that! Another part of grief that I've been praying about.

I've been trying to remember to pray the Lord's Prayer everyday. I'd love to do it every morning but sometimes I forget until I'm laying in bed at night and then I pray it. I would suggest that you too, might want to try it. Read it, repeat it, think about it, and then pray it. At least that's what I've been doing. Remember that book I told you I was reading? The one about the Lord's prayer? Well, I got to a section that was explaining it like this.

Our Father who is in heaven,
Let Your name be holy...on earth as it is in heaven.
Your kingdom come...on earth as it is in heaven.
Your will be done...on earth as it is in heaven.

So I tried it this way, this morning...the wee hours of 4:45 am...

My Father who is in heaven,
Let Your name be holy...TODAY...on earth as it is in heaven.
Your kingdom come...TODAY...on earth as it is in heaven.
Your will be done...TODAY...on earth as it is in heaven.

Definately a different way to look at the first part of the Lord's prayer. And then I prayed the rest of the prayer, while somewhat personalizing it.

I just think it's a really good way to pray. And when you aren't sure how to pray or what to pray for, at times, this really comes in handy!



On a whole different note...a little while ago I was thinking of my memories with Gabriel. A helpful way to grieve sometimes, is to remember the good memories of your loved one that has died. In my case, that's been difficult since there aren't a whole lot. But I thought I'd share a few of my pregnancy memories with you. A little piece of my baby boy you might not of known!

Things that made me feel sick or nauseated: Chicken, onion, garlic, brushing my teeth/tongue (gag feeling).

I craved salty foods and pasta with cream sauces.

I heard his heartbeat for the first time at my first appt. at 12 weeks along.

I felt him move the very first time at 16 weeks.
Daniel first felt him while we were camping at the coast with my family.

His ultrasound picture looked a lot like Halayna's. He had the same nose as her's.

He usually woke up around 11pm at night for all the somersaults and high activity!

Ready for this one? Since we didn't know what gender the baby was, we joked that is must have been a boy since he would wake up during and after intercourse...hehehe

His precious hiccups were very low...

He liked putting his feet up into my right ribs. I would periodically push them back down! :)

Sweet, sweet, memories.


Here he is.

Gabriel James Wodtke, Born into the arms of Jesus, October 30, 2009.

Songs of joy...

Remember that emotional outbirst? The post labeled "Defeated". I thought for sure it was crazy girl horomones from PMS. I have to say I was wrong. Crazy girl horomones...yes! Crazy girl pregnancy horomones!

Yep that's right! "Aunt flow" didn't come on her scheduled day like she always does. So I picked up a test at the store and sure enough, there it was...that extra pink line!

There are mixed emotions. I am excited. I am going to take it day by day. And enjoy it day by day. I am still sad I don't have Gabriel and still miss him so much but I think this pregnancy will be very healing. And I am going to be positive about it I've decided.
I look forward to meeting this little one hopefully the day after Thanksgiving or around that time. Seems so far away. Maybe that's what the word "wait" has been about.

I said to Halayna, "Mommy has a tiny baby in her tummy." She said "I know." I asked, "Did somebody tell you?" She said, "No. I just know." And she, of course, wants a sister.

I've told a handful of people but other than that, you, my faithful blog readers, get to know firsthand! (I took the test yesterday).

So how do we pray now? It goes back to the Lord's prayer. "Let Your will be done on earth as it is in heaven." So that is my prayer. No matter what happens, Lord, remind me of Your never-ending love, Your promises, and that You will turn my mourning into gladness. Like you said in Jeremiah 31:13 "I will turn their mourning into gladness; I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow." "I want to trust in You, Lord, with all my heart and lean not on my own understanding; in all my ways I will acknowledge You, and You will make my paths straight.
(Prov. 3:5-6)"


"The Lord will do great things for me, and I will be filled with joy. I will sow in tears, then I will reap with songs of joy. If I go out weeping, carrying seed to sow, I will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with me. (Ps. 126:5-6) O God, please help me to be willing to sow the seed of Your Word and water it with my tears, believing You even in the midst of this terrible pain. If I do, You will be faithful to fill me with joy again. You will faithfully bring a harvest forth from my life. My suffering will not be in vain."

Wait...

I had a funny conversation with my daughter, Halayna, tonight and thought I'd share it.

We were talking about when she was in my tummy. She said "I wanted to get out of your tummy. So you can get another baby in there. Everyone has lots of babies."
I said, "I know, everyone except Mommy has lots of babies. Why doesn't Mommy have lots of babies?"
She said, "You have to wait." I said, "Yes, I know. That is what God has been saying too." Then I asked her, "Does Mommy like to wait?"
She said. "No!"
Then we laughed. We laughed a lot! But she's right. It takes a 4-year old to tell me to wait! To be patient. :)

Re-charge...

Sorry about that last "depressive" blog. However, this is about the journey through grief and things like that do happen.

I am feeling much better today. We slept in super late this morning. We skipped church and had some nice family time. Nice "down" time. A
re-charge so to speak. We took Halayna to a park, after getting much needed coffee and we all played together. Then had some retail therapy (always a good thing in my mind) and came home to some "comfort" food. However after too much "comfort" food, my stomach is not a happy place so I'm now opting for a salad!

I found out that I'm not scheduled at either store (old or new) tomorrow so I suppose I have the day off. Maybe some kind of scheduling or communication error. Maybe a way of God giving me more time to
re-charge with my family. So far I'm hoping to work on Saturday at least!

Anyways, I am still irritated that everywhere I go, there always seems to be a woman with a baby. Halayna will say, "look, a baby" and I comment that yes, everyone except me has a baby... :(

Someday I suppose there will be that hope of having one live again...until then I still have to go through this sucky journey of grief. Thanks for reading along and coming beside me in prayer and putting up with my, "cup is half empty" episodes.

I have to trust in truth and not emotions at this time. Truth is that my mourning will turn into dancing and that I will be full of joy once again. So that is my hope, yet again.

Now off to more family time! :)

Defeated...

Well...today I feel extremely defeated.

Maybe it's just raging PMS that is causing me to be so irritated. I don't know but as soon as I entered the walk-in freezer at work, I felt defeated, angry, upset, annoyed, sad...ahhh yes, probably PMS symptoms.

I had a hard time focusing at work. I even had a mini cry session in the back. I don't think anyone heard my sniffles. I hope not at least.
It was my last day at that peticular store. I am transferring to a much closer-to-home store on Monday. I started there right after Daniel and I were married a little more than 7 years ago so it's a happy/sad transfer.

I think a lot is going on right now that is just sucking the energy out of me.

I have been trying sooooooo hard to be happy for "friends" that are on their second baby. So I'm done. I don't care anymore. I don't have the energy anymore.

I feel like screaming...IT'S NOT FAIR!!!!!!!!!!!! And it's not.

I flushed pieces of my second baby down the toilet. I handed my third baby off to my midwife in a plastic sandwich baggy. And buried my fourth baby. In the last 5 years, I have been pregnant 4 times and I have only one child to hug.

What does God want from me?

So many people have said that through this experience, I will get to "help" others. Help them how? Their babies die so that I have some worth? So I will be able to "help" them? How can I help anyone when I am feeling so defeated?

My brother told me that he and his wife are expecting...again. Automatically, the thought pops into my mind "so is their baby going to die so I can walk down this awful road with them? Is this who I am going to be 'helping'?" Of course I hope not. At the same time I was thinking, what if their baby lives? Then it happens again. I am left with nothing but heartbreak when they're rejoicing with a new baby. Feelings of 2008 flooding back to my mind.

I just want another baby. But this life is so hard to live. I find myself asking why I would even think about bringing another person into such a hard life. Why do I have such a desire?
So many people have told me Gabriel and the other two are better off in heaven. Sure. I don't doubt that for a second. So then, why should I care so much? I know people say those things to try to be comforting. But it doesn't really help. Not right now. I can't see my children in heaven. I can't kiss their cheeks or hug them. I can't hear their laughter or snuggle them when they cry. I have been totally ripped off.

I am just so frustrated. I feel so defeated. So alone. So rejected.

I was feeling great a week ago. Now, I feel like I did two months ago. Back down in the awful pit of grief. And it sucks. Big time.

Like I said, maybe it's overactive crazy girl horomones...maybe, just maybe, I'll feel better in another week.

Lord, I am in agony. I don't know what else to pray for besides help. So I'll keep it simple. Lord, help me please.

Prayer...

Ok, so I know it's been forever since I've written last. Time alone in the house is sometimes hard to come by! :)



So I've been thinking a lot about prayer lately. I found myself asking how should I pray? That might seem odd but maybe you've found yourself asking the same thing. Here's how I got there.

In my very darkest time in my grief, I was questioning prayer. Does it really work. Let me just clarify, that I have gotten past that point and I do think prayer is very important. Anyways, I was thinking, during that time, about how much I prayed for every child of mine from the minute I found out I was pregnant. I prayed for them to be born healthy, well...and cute too! :) And you know that Halayna was the only one born alive and well. So that got me thinking about prayer. The whole time I prayed for them, God knew the three would die eventually. That I would never hear them cry or know them. All that praying seemed to be for nothing, that even if I prayed, it didn't do any good. That I couldn't change God's mind and that He would allow sin to cause them to die. So that got me thinking.

Now that Daniel and I are trying to expand our family yet again (it is exciting), I've thought about how I should pray. What do I pray for exactly? And this question had been in my head for quite a while.

Conviently enough, God answered it as He often does. He had a guy from our church give a sermon on praying the Lord's prayer. The prayer He told His deciples to pray. Which is very much still valid today. And that was my answer of how I should pray!



"Our Father in heaven,
let Your name be holy,
let Your kingdom come,
and let Your will be done
on earth as it is in heaven.
Give us today our daily bread.
Forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors.
Lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from the evil one.
For the kingdom and the power
and the glory belong to You!
Amen!"

I got this version from a book written by the guy that gave the sermon. The book is about praying the Lord's prayer. I haven't read it all yet, in fact, I just started but so far it's pretty good.

Well, I've gone over the prayer and have thought about it a lot. So here's what I've been thinking about it and praying...



"Our Father in heaven, let Your name be holy."

Lord, my Father, You are worthy of praise. Even in the midst of my deepest grief and feelings of loss, You are worthy to be praised. Help me to give my praise to You even when I don't feel like it or am feeling rejected by You even though I know I am really not.



"Let Your kingdome come, and let Your will be done on earth as it is in heaven."

Lord, no matter what happens, let YOUR will be done. If I get pregnant with Your child (You're letting me borrow for a bit) and they go to be with You before me and that is Your will, then let it be done. If it means I get to keep Your child for longer and that is Your will, then let it be done. I give it to You. Let Your will be done on earth as it is in Heaven.



"Give us today our daily bread."

Lord, give me what I need to get through this day. I am going to put my trust in You to provide for my needs for me today and tomorrow.



"Forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors."

Lord, forgive me for my shortcomings, for my sins. Please help me to forgive others as you have forgiven me.



"Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one."

Lord, help me to call on You during moments of temptation. Stay between me and the evil one so that he has no way of filling my head with his lies.



"For the kingdom and the power and the glory belong to You!"


There has even been times when I just didn't know what to pray for. So I asked the Holy Spirit to intercede for me. God knows me. He knows what is good for me. He knows me better than I know myself. I can tell Him my desires even though I know that He already knows them. I still do. I tell Him how badly I would like another child.
When I pray the Lord's prayer, I am confident that no matter what happens, that I'll get through it and that His will will be done on earth as it is in heaven. It's trusting God. His goodness and faithfulness. It's knowing, He will give me the desires of my heart. It is trusting He will give me what I truly need. I don't always understand it, believe me, I feel like I have a permanent question mark over my head but God's ways are not our ways. He is God. We can't put him into a box. Eventually we'll know His reasons for things. Until then, I have faith. Faith that His will for me, is perfect.

"Lord God, Your Holy Spirit helps me in my weakness. I do not know what I ought to pray for, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for me with groans that words cannot express. And He who searches my heart knows the mind of the Spirit, because Your Spirit intercedes for me in accordance with Your will. (Rom. 8:38-39)"

Plans...

Well, I'm still having this overwhelming desire to be pregnant again and to have another child. The desire is so strong and I've really been praying about it. So I hope you're praying for me as well! :) Thanks!

There's not much else to write so I'll include an entry from my grief journal.


Monday November 9, 2009

*Halayna woke me up this morning. Daniel was in the shower so I just laid in bed and started thinking which made me cry.
We spent the whole day at home which was nice and relaxing but somehow I feel like I need to be doing something that matters but I can't seem to. I should work on my crafts but have no inspiration. I should clean the house but it'll just get dirty again so it gets me out of the mood. Thank goodness people are bringing us food otherwise who knows if we would cook anything to eat.
We weren't sure what to do today since it's the last day Daniel has off, which will be hard on me when he goes back to work tomorrow. He also has no desire to go back.
Some days I wish we could freeze time to grieve. Other days, I wish time would speed up so my grief would be much less and not so fresh.
We found a Bev Dolittle puzzle so we worked on that most of the day. It was nice to spend so much time just being together.
I finished the puzzle tonight by myself.
I had a lot of time to think while doing the puzzle so I also did a lot of praying and crying. Pretty much the same stuff that's been going on in my head.
I feel frustrated not knowing God's plan. I just don't want Gabriel's death to be for nothing so I really hope amazing, miraculous, things happen because of his death. I think that would help a lot!
I feel like all I do is cry out to God for help but I'm not sure He's hearing me like I want Him to.
I just don't want to be in my situation right now because it's so incredibly painful. Losing Gabriel has torn my life apart. Everything is so hard now. I think of him constantly and miss him so much it drives me crazy.
Oh Lord help me! Heal my broken, ragged heart. It has been broken in a million pieces.
My prayer is that you oh God would use Gabriel's death for healing. For blessing. For good. For a plan. I can't bear the thought of his death being for nothing.
Please Lord, do something in me that helps others, for him.
Please just let his death be for good in the future. I look forward to your plans for us. Plans for good. Plans for healing. Plans for blessings.*

"For You know the plans You have for me, Lord. Plans to prosper me and not to harm me, plans to give me a hope and a future. (Jer. 29:11)"

"Lord, in my heart I plan my course, but You determine my steps. (Prov. 16:9) Life is not going as I planned. I am so grateful that You are not caught off guard. You knew everything that would befall me. Please direct my steps as You determine. I need You, Lord. Carry me when I cannot walk."

Lonliness...

It is the last week of February and I know a few girls that are due to have their babies any day now or has had them without me knowing. It is also the week I would have been due with my third child. And I feel so alone. Here I am mourning the death of my child while they are joyously awaiting the birth of their's. I'm the only one that some people know that has lost a baby in their third trimester. I'm THAT person. And it sucks so much! How I wish so badly I was one of those women having a baby.

I was taking a shower tonight, letting the hot water beat down on my sore back from a very productive day at work. I like to pray and talk to God in the shower and cry too. I told Him how I was feeling. The lonliness I've been feeling. He reminds me His son died also. And that I have Him. He knows how I'm feeling. Yes, it would be nice to have someone in the flesh telling me everything I want to hear and to hug me and actually feel the ache in my heart.

So I was reminded of the book I've been reading...remember? The Beth Moore one. Well, there's a section in there called "Overcoming Despair Resulting From Loss". Written for me I suppose. :) So I turned to it and started reading some prayers.

"I cry to You, Lord, in my trouble. Save me from my distress. (Ps. 107:13)"

"I choose to cast my cares on You, Lord, and You will sustain me. (Ps. 55:22)"

"You say to me, Lord, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Your power may rest on me. (2 Cor. 12:9)"

"You, O God, will never leave me. Never will You forsake me. (Heb. 13:5) You are the only absolute guarantee I have in all of life. Help me cling to the one thing I can never lose."

The encouragement in the scriptures gives me comfort and peace. And the Lord is sustaining me. Through every cry in the shower, cry at work, cry in my car for no apparent reason, through every envyous thought, through the outbursts of anger, through every emotion related to grief, through the lonliness, through the breaking of my heart, through the feeling of emptiness in my arms. He is sustaining me.

"Praise be to You, the God and Father of my Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts me in all my troubles, so that I can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort I myself have received from God. (2 Cor. 1:3-4) You, Lord, are the only One who can turn my misery into ministry."

The dreaded question...

So it happened today. That dreaded question! "So how is the new baby?" And instant heart break.
I was dumbfounded and said "What?" "What baby?"
She said "You're new baby?"
My heart began to race. Then I told her. "He didn't make it."
She felt terrible and the "I'm sorrys" began. I told her what happened.
I was at work at the time but not in the department I usually work in. After I got back to my department, I stayed in the back for a while and cried.
Having to tell someone I buried my son just really sucked!

After my cry session I got back to work and eventually went on my lunch break. I've been reading a wonderful book my girlfriend gave me. Thanks Bri! :) It's written by our "good friend" Beth Moore. "Praying God's Word" Breaking free from spiritual strongholds If you haven't read it, I highly recommend it, for anyone, no matter your circumstances.
I was reading the "Overcoming Unforgiveness" which is super important to becoming free and being more like Christ which is what I'm striving for even though I totally mess up all the time! Thank the Lord he is so easily forgiving when forgiving can be so hard for me at times.
Here's a prayer that stood out to me:

"Your ways are not my ways, Lord God. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are Your ways higher than mine. (Isa. 55:8-9) I may not always understand Your ways, Lord, but they are always prosperous.
(Ps. 10:5) Your ways are always righteous. (Ps. 77:13) Your ways are loving and faithful. (Ps. 25:10) I have considered my ways, Lord. (Ps. 119:59) I choose Yours instead. Keep me from deceitful ways. (Ps. 119:29) Lord God, help me to walk in Your ways. (Ps. 119:3)"

So the Lord brought a few people to mind that I need to forgive. Even the random people who cut me off in traffic when there's tons of space behind me. Some customers at work. And some others.
So this forgiveness "stuff" has been a recurring theme in my journey and probably will be for a long time.

The Lord has also been putting the issue of trust on my heart. Trusting in Him. It seems so simple right? Not always the case for me. It's letting go and letting God which is hard for my personality. I like to be in control and putting my WHOLE trust in God is honestly hard for me. However, things always seem to go better when God is in control rather than us, right? :)

I've been having such a strong desire to be pregnant again and want to try to give Halayna a little brother or sister or both. And when I think about it, the enemy reminds me of my fear of losing another baby. But then God says "Trust in Me." "Give me your fears."
So it's trusting in Him, when I'm full of joy or in my deepest of sorrows.
Trust in Him. God of the Universe. God of all creation. Omnipotent God. Trust Him.

Here's my prayer request for you. :) Please pray about my desire to be pregnant again. And let me know if the Holy Spirit tells you something to tell me. I have been praying about it too but I would like others to interceed for me as well! Thank you for your faithfulness in praying for me and my family.

"Trust in the Lord, and do good;
Dwell in the land, and feed on His faithfullness.
Delight yourself also in the Lord,
And He shall give you the desires of your heart.
Commit your way to the Lord,
Trust also in Him,
And He shall bring it to pass."
Psalm 37:3-5

My heart being mended...

I haven't written lately due to the fact I've been busy and tired. So I thought I'd write another entry from my grief journal. But before I do, here's a few words...

The Holy Spirit keeps reminding me to forgive others...He's good about that. And helping me to change my focus when it get's off.

I believe my heart is starting to heal, bit by bit.
I have to admit I've been insanely jealous of all my girlfriends who are having healthy live babies or are pregnant with them. It started right after I had Gabriel. But that jealously is turning into joy for them. I haven't been in contact with their babies yet or they are still pregnant so I'm not sure how I'll feel when I do see them. I feel I can now seperate my circumstances from theirs. If that makes sense.
I know my heart still has much healing but I know that it's starting...

"The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart. And saves such as have a contrite spirit." Psalm 34:18


Sunday November 8, 2009 From my grief journal

*Today is Sunday so we decided to go to church. I was doing fine until we got in the car and was at the bagel shop where we get breakfast.
Almost the whole way to church, I was squirting tears. I tried to stop but couldn't. Daniel kept asking if I was alright and I got annoyed at him. I told him I was just having a moment. I really didn't have anything to say and didn't want to say anything.
I guess going to church was harder than I thought it was going to be. That got me thinking about how hard it'll be going back to work.
Worship was good. I started getting teary-eyed but it didn't amount to much.
The Sermon was good. Pastor talked about gifts and spiritual gifts and how we need to use them basically to edify the church. It was really good. He said God has designed us to be a certain way. I remember thinking that no one can get mad at me for always talking about health because that is my passion, the way God has designed me, so there! :)
After church, people game us hugs and told us they were sorry for our loss. I kept wondering what people were thinking. Two weeks ago I was 7 1/2 months pregnant and today I don't look pregnant at all! I think that was the hardest part about today. Not to mention seeing other mothers holding their babies. How jealous I thought! I can't help but be envyous of them. I never even got a chance to cuddle with Gabriel.
I remember seeing a friend of mine walking by with her new baby in the carrier. I pretended I didn't see her so I didn't have to deal with the emptiness I feel or the jealousy.
I keep thinking "it's not fair!" Then I think of other women who have been through it too. That helps a lot to know I'm not the only one and to know people are praying for us.
Lord, please help me not be jealous or envyous. I want to feel joy for the women with their new babies. I just feel so out of it. I was so excited to be pregnant with my girlfriends and excited to all have babies together. And now I have nothing...again! Ok so maybe a little anger popped up again and for that I'm sorry. Lord, I'm just so sad and impatient. I want to be blessed. I'm so tired of losing children. I want to be done with that. I'm ready for something to change. Please God, change us for Your good!
Lord, my heart hurts so badly for Gabriel. Not having him makes me really want to be pregnant again. I want more children. Please bless us with more.
Children that get to stay here with us please. I want to know them before they go to Heaven. Or before I go. Please Lord, give me the patience I need to get healthy before getting pregnant again. Lord, take my fear of losing more children away so I can be positive.
Lord, I need your help so badly, I need you here with me every step of the way. Give me strength, courage, patience, and joy. I don't want to be sad forever. I don't want this sadness lurking around every corner.
Father God, I don't know what you have planned for me but I will try to trust you with everything I have. I will trust that the blessings will keep pouring in. That Your love will over power us so much that we won't be able to contain it. I will trust that you will give me everything I need to get through these sad times.
However, I will probably need some reminding every once in a while. Remind me that you are with me and that I can trust you'll take care of me.
Lord, Holy Spirit, please take over my heart and rebuild it, for it needs a lot of work!*

Trigger...

Have you ever talked to someone in their season of grief or experienced it yourself? I'm sure if you have they would tell you there are ups and downs during the grief journey. One day you're doing fine and not really thinking too much about your loss and then there's a trigger. Something that happens that puts you right back into the heart of your grief. That is what has happened to me today.
I've been having a lot of ups lately, focusing on my daughter who is the "light" of my life right now. Her name actually means "light" which is totally appropriate for her.
Anyway, my husband was taking a nap today on the bed. I walked by him for a moment while he was sleeping and took a peek at him. I saw my husband but I also saw Gabriel. The way Daniel was sleeping, I guess, brought me back to when Gabriel was born and I got to see him. Then a flood of emotions...
It is moments like these that puts tears in my eyes and the feeling of loss becomes so intense again.
A Bible verse that I've known for so long and many people have it memorized, just came to me.

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13

I prayed that verse when I was in labor and giving birth to Halayna since it was really hard and painful.
Now, I'm praying that verse for different reasons. Christ will give me the strength to get through times like these. To get through this overwhelming pain of loss.
Oh Lord, how I need your strength.

Thankfulness and contentness...

So I've been in this major cleaning out and organizing my home mood, lately. I suppose it goes along the lines of trying to organize my life... When I came upon a disc of pictures, my mom made for me, of Halayna's 4th birthday. We go to the zoo every year to celebrate and then usually have a small party with a mostly family members and a few friends. I was a little over 7 months pregnant at the time and extremely happy.

I was just looking at the pictures and instant sadness entered into me when I saw a picture of me looking very pregnant. And the longing for my son began all over again.

I was feeling really crappy when this picture came up and I had to laugh and it lifted my spirit:

This is my goofy brother and sweet daughter, Halayna. I probably rolled my eyes at him during that picture, not knowing I would need the laugh today.

So I'm entering into a theme of thankfulness and contentness.

How thankful I am for the people in my life who have committed to lifting me up during my lowest, hardest, times. The commitment to pray on my behalf and to send me letters and cards in the mail to tell me how much they care. The constant stream of tears. Those that have been there every week through my different emotions of grief. Especially the "pissed off" one! :) Thankful for those who have given up their time to be with me. And those who are trying to understand my pain and walking through it with me. Those that talk about my son, keeping his memory alive. Those that are ok that I'm not "over it" yet and won't be ever. Mmmmmm and the coffee... :)

You know who you are and I love you all. Thank you for being there for me. Your merciful and giving hearts are so special and God is using you tremendously. Especially teaching me how I want to be if a friend or family member goes through such a loss.

As far as being content goes. My prayers have been a lot like this: "Lord, can you do this for me?" "Can you give me this?" "If I only had this." "Lord, I want..." And so on. I know we should ask for our heart's desire and God will give us what we need. But what about asking for contentness? He has put it on my heart to start enjoying what I do have rather than what I don't. It's focusing on what is good and joyful in my life instead of what is sad and sorrowful. Of course that doesn't mean the sorrow and sadness goes away but it's not dwelling on it. And the Lord helps us do that.

I think God made my brother, Ryan, goofy so that one day he would do that chocolate cake in his teeth smile so it would lift my spirit and change my focus at the exact moment I would need it. God being the ultimate composer, composing moments like these. Yes, they're silly but I'm going to believe they were God-ordained!

So my prayer is that when I, or you, enter into what we don't have and having our focus on things not going our way, that we remember to be thankful and content with what God has given us already. If you look for it and pray for it, you will find it! I guarantee it!

Let's try to change our focus.

"while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:18

November 7, 2009 From my grief journal

*Today we had the memorial service for our son, Gabriel. It was a beautiful service. We didn't really plan it until we got there and made some last minute decisions. I'm pretty sure God was in control. I figured he would be so I just left it up to Him.
Everyone was very sweet and kind. Nobody said anything stupid. We were very happy about that.
We were just amazed at how giving and supportive people have been. We received more money to go towards our expenses.
It's hard to put all my thoughts down on paper. About a million things are going through my head.
I am in awe at the way God has been orchestrating this whole thing. How He has prepared us especially me. I'm starting to look at things and say "oh that's why." I wish Gabriel could have experienced the love people have for him down here on earth. The fact that we miss him terribly!
Lord, please let Gabriel know the love we have for him, that we'll miss him every day her on earth. That we'll never forget him and that he'll be a part of our family forever. That these tears are shed in memory of him. My heart breaks for him because I want to know him so badly.
Lord Jesus, hold my precious Gabriel for me. Kiss his sweet forehead for me. Listen to his sweet voice for me. Tell him I love him and can't wait to see him again in Heaven with You!
Father God, please bless everyone that has blessed us. Especially those that helped us financially. Lord, let their pockets overflow because of their giving hearts. Bless them more abundantly than they have blessed us.
I love you and praise your name for you are worthy and your promises do come true just like the rainbow you gave us today! *

It was pouring down hard, raining, before and during the memorial service. After the service was over, the rain stopped and this rainbow came out.

When it all began...

I was thinking when taking a lazy afternoon bath that I have forgotten to write about when the grieving really began or rather what brought me to where I'm at. Most of you know but I thought I'd share a little more. I believe it is the beginning of my testimony and you all get to come along for the ride! :)

The fall of 2007 was hard for our family. Within 3 months we lost 3 very dear people to us. First, a great friend and second mom, Lynne who died in September. Then my uncle Ed (my dad's youngest brother), who died in October. And finally, my father-in-law Jim who died on November 1st. He was an awesome man of God who I miss so very much to this day. I miss our conversations and his awe for God.
I thought it couldn't get any worse for our family, that the deaths were going to be it and there was joy and life to come. In a way there was life to come but also more deaths.
In January, 2008 I found out that I was pregnant! We weren't trying but also weren't NOT trying either. We decided to tell everyone at a dinner at my brother's house. Low and behold they were expecting as well! We were days apart for our due dates.
I started bleeding one day in February. After a few doctor visits, I was for sure miscarrying. The baby which I felt was a boy died in February at around 8 weeks. My mother-in-law called him Adam and I thought that was a good name. I was heart-broken and was in shock that I out of all people was having a miscarriage. I don't know why I thought something like that wouldn't happen to me.
I was determined to get pregnant again. I thought that would fill the hole in my heart so we got pregnant again soon after that.
Things were going well, I even got to see the heartbeat at 8 weeks. Around 11 weeks, I started to bleed again. I thought, NO NOT AGAIN! I called the doctor and went in for an ultrasound. Sure enough, the baby had died. This one I felt was a girl and her name (again, from my mom-in-law) is Eve. I miscarried her at around 11 1/2 weeks. I was miscarrying during my Sister-in-law's baby shower. But I was so happy for them it didn't really bother me too much.
I decided then to focus on getting healthier and losing weight.
In September, I was invited by my brother and sister-in-law to be there when they welcomed Jeremy, my nephew, into this world. It really was a joyful thing to experience and it was very healing for me. There will always be a special place in my heart for that little boy.
I went to the griefshare at my church where I learned a lot and believe God was preparing me for what was to come. I received what I thought was a word from God that He was going to redeem my losses for His purpose. I didn't know how or when. Until I found out in April, 2009 I was pregnant yet again. This was very much a surprise to us since we were definitely not trying. I remember thinking, this one has to make it! That this was my redeemed baby.
We passed the 12 week mark and I was excited to hear the baby's heartbeat at my first doctor's appt. I thought, now we can finally tell everyone!
Everything went well and the baby was healthy. I remember seeing him at the ultrasound and thinking how much he looked like Halayna. My nose and all! We didn't find out the gender because we wanted to be surprised.
Then it was Halloween week. Work was crazy as it is every year around that time. I was really focused on getting everything done that I didn't really notice that baby wasn't moving very much.
I went into the hospital Thursday October 29. They hooked me up to the fetal heartbeat monitor. The nurse could only find my heartbeat and not the baby’s. She thought the thing they put on my belly wasn’t working right so she replaced it with a new one. Still, only my heartbeat. I didn’t know what to think at that time. I just prayed.
My midwife came and did an ultrasound. She said nothing as she proceeded. I knew it. I won’t ever forget the words she said or the way she said it. “The baby has died.” I was instantly heartbroken and had all the emotions but mostly unbelief and shock. Babies aren’t supposed to die in the third trimester.
The next step was for me to be induced. I prayed this prayer, “Lord, I cannot do this if it’s going to be hard like Halayna’s birth was. Please make this easy.”
I chose to have an epidural which wasn’t originally in my birth plan but under the circumstances, I didn’t want to feel the pain of the labor.
The labor was a breeze. I slept during a lot of it and didn’t feel any pain. During my labor I thought of David in the Bible and how he worshipped God when his son died. I did the same. I sang worship songs to myself and prayed and prayed and prayed.
Friday, October 30, at 8:06 am, Gabriel James was born at 34 weeks. He weighed 4 lbs 8 oz and was 17 inches long. I prayed to hear him cry but of course, he did not.
It only took two pushes to get him out. Right after, I asked what it was and my midwife said “you have a beautiful boy.” But it wasn’t a joyful “It’s a boy!” There was sadness in her voice. However, she was right. He was beautiful. The most beautiful baby boy I’d ever seen. He had my nose, my ears, and my long fingers. He had Daniel’s forehead, lips and chin.
I held him, kissed him, and looked at all parts of him trying to engrave him into my memory.
We had many friends and family members come visit us. Some got to hold Gabriel and see his beautiful boy features. There were many tears from many people. The best gift we have been given. There was a lot of prayer and we felt it. We could feel the presence of the Lord in that room with us.
We had to leave on Saturday. I vividly remember having to hand Gabriel to the nurse. The last time I would see him until Heaven. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. It makes me cry now just remembering that moment.
Then we left the hospital…empty handed.
And that is where the journey began.

“But I trust in you, O Lord; I say, ‘You are my God.’ My times are in your hands.” Psalm 31:14-15

Forgiveness

It seems my grieving process has themes. The last theme was knowing God's love. I don't know why. I always thought I knew God loved me. But to know He delights in me is a little hard for me to grasp. The love I have for my children is so great but the love God has for me is even greater. The kind of love you truly can't get from anyone else.
Anyways, so now the theme is forgiveness and honestly this is hard for me. My pride and anger get in the way so much.
Forgiveness in all sorts of ways.
Forgiving myself. Even though in my head, knowing I couldn't do anything to save my children doesn't mean I haven't been down the path of "what did I do wrong?" or "why didn't I do..." or "if only..." I told myself, "it wasn't my fault" but deep down I really felt it was, at least a couple of times. So I ask God for help in forgiving myself.
Forgiving others. This type comes in different ways as well. I have learned forgiving others is more for me than for them. Besides, most of them don't even know I need or needed to forgive them. Forgiving those who have said hurtfull or thoughtless things (not many have but there has been a couple). Forgiving those that haven't "been there" like I thought they should have been (this one has been hard). Forgiving those that have been having healthy, live, babies, even though I know for sure they did nothing wrong. Like I said, more for me than them. I ask God for help daily, in forgiving others.
Forgiving God. I know, that seems weird. But I've heard from a couple different sources it's a good thing to do mostly just for my healing. God gets the blame a lot in these situations. Yes, God could have saved all three of my children. He could have healed me from the virus and Gabriel could have lived. However, He chose not to. I don't know why, He is God, so His ways are not our ways. So for my benefit and my healing I forgive God for allowing my children to go to Heaven before me.
And last, asking for forgiveness. Perhaps this goes along the same lines as forgiving myself. I ask God for forgiveness for all sorts of reasons. The anger. The unbelief. The not trusting Him. The thoughts I've had. The envy. And the list goes on.
Forgiveness is freedom.


Friday, November 6, 2009 From my journal:

*Today was a blessed day. Halayna spent the night with Mom and Dad so she could go with spend time with her aunt.
Daniel and I got to sleep in until almost ten o'clock! We must have been tired.
We went to Gustav's for lunch with Mom and Dad where we had some delicious fondue. After lunch, we went to a movie. It was a good distraction.
After the movie, we had to run some errands again! We stopped by my store to pick up some paperwork. We received a sympathy card with some money. I counted the donations and was astonished when it came out to be $500.00. I was shocked! We needed $600.00 to cover the cost of the burial. We were praying for the money to come in since there was no way we could come up with it. What an amazing God and faithful too! Praise God!
We already received $250.00 earlier. That pretty much paid for the casket. Praise God!
So we just needed $100.00 more to cover the rest of the burial.
We came home and opened our mail. We got a sympathy card from Daniel's friends and a check for $100.00. So that's it! The burial and casket are paid for! Praise God!
Today was definately a blessed day.
Daniel and I got to ride the motorcycle for the first time together too. That was nice.
We had a nice day full of nice distractions.
Thanks be to you Lord Jesus! I pray for all those who donated their hard-earned money to us. Please bless them most abundantly and financially. Bless them for their giving!*

Wednesday, November 4, 2009 Entry from my journal

This is my first entry in my "grief" journal. It is what I wrote at the time and the feelings I had were very real and very raw. I won't post all of the entries but I will post some so that you will know about my journey and where it has brought me. Just know that I wrote what I was feeling at the time so it might seem like a broken record. However, this writing has helped in my grief. I also wrote a prayer at the end of each entry. It's neat to look back to see how God has been working in my life. So, here we go!

*Well, today is my birthday. 29 years old. Five days ago I gave birth to my son Gabriel. The last couple of days haven't been so bad but today just blew up in my face the moment I woke up this morning. Maybe because my birthdays usually should be "happy". This is the most miserable birthday I've ever had.
We decided to go ahead and "celebrate" it like we had originally planned by going to a tea room/house. I had some intense, painful, cramping this morning which didn't help my mood any. However, they did subside before we left for tea. The food and tea were good and we had a nice time but I still felt blah and it was hard to really enjoy it. I wished so badly that I was still pregnant like I "should" have been.
After tea, the three of us did some errands. Daniel was irritated and didn't want to go but I didn't want to go alone. We needed to get some things for Gabriel's memorial service and I needed some dressy black pants. I was getting extremely irritated when everything I tried on didn't fit right. I had to remind myself I had just given birth 5 days earlier. I was determined NOT to get maternity pants. I eventually found a pair that worked.
After we got home, I worked on some of the items for Gabriel's memorial service. The picture (I drew) and frame turned out beautiful. The case we had gotten for the castings was broken so we have to take it back to the store. Yes, very irritating.
The rest of the evening, we had dinner, dessert, and watched a movie. Somewhat nice.
Then, we went to put Halayna to bed. Daniel read her a book and brushed her teeth. Halayna wanted to pray like we usually do every night. She wanted me to pray with her so we began as usual. We got to the part about blessing. Since Gabriel is now in Heaven with our Lord, there's no need to pray for him anymore. He's doing much better than us. So, naturally I skipped him and Halayna didn't like that. She insisted on blessing him. I broke down and started crying. Daniel had to finish with her. After I gave Halayna hugs and kisses and said goodnight to her, I went to take a shower. A place I like to talk to God. I was so frustrated and broken-hearted. Not was, is!
I'm frustrated because God knows everything and everything that's going to happen. So if Gabriel was too good for earth than why would He allow me to be pregnant with him knowing he was going to die? I don't get it! I know God will use this for His purpose and good but not knowing what that is drives me crazy!
I miss Gabriel so badly and I so wish I was still pregnant with him. I want to feel him and hold him. I hate this feeling. The hole in my heart. I keep asking God to mend my broken heart but it just keeps on breaking.
How can you love somebody so much that your whole being yearns to be with them?
I pray for strength now so I can try to wait to see my son again.
He's a part of me that has left and won't ever return. Will my heart ever be put back together again? Will I ever stop crying for him?
God, my heart is in agony, my whole being is sad beyond any sadness I've ever felt. When will my mourning turn to joy? That is your promise.
Lord, please help me every minute of every day until your promise comes true. I need you more than ever. Mend my broken heart please!*