Before he died.

This picture was taken at the zoo on or near Halayna's 4th birthday (October 13, 2009). In the picture with me is my sister, Carrie and the boy she nannies, Justin.

I was 7 months pregnant here. Just a couple of weeks before Gabriel died.

I can now look at this picure and smile as I remember being very happy and excited to meet this little one. But it also makes me want to cry for that same reason. How happy I was before he died.

I was thinking about Gabriel last night. Remembering the thoughts I had the morning before I found out he died. On the way to the hospital thinking everything would be fine and that he was ok. It's hard to go back to those days and relive the thoughts I had. But I still go back. I go back to that same day often.
Last night when I was reliving those memories I thought about how I wished I had more time with him. More time to just hold him, look at him. He was born Friday morning at 8:06 am on October 30. I had to give him up Saturday sometime around noon I think on October 31. One day. It doesn't seem fair. But would one more day make it better? Probably not. Because then I would probably still think, I wish I had more time with him.


I have scheduled my first ultrasound. It's in two days. And naturally, I'm excited and nervous. I just want baby #5 to be healthy and well. I find myself getting scared and upset when baby isn't moving a whole lot. And I know that's understandable. I don't want to be in this constant state of fear. If I could just turn it off, I would. How can I? When I am feeling fearful, I pray. The Lord says "trust me". And I ask Him to help me to. Then I usually feel better because I know the Lord will take care of me. I just want this baby so badly. I want this baby to live! To cry when he/she is born.

Oh Lord, I cry out to you for peace. Oh Lord, please give me peace.

Father's Day

I'm not sure exactly how Daniel was feeling yesterday during Father's Day. As far as I know he was doing better then I was on Mother's Day. I was hoping to stop by the cemetary to leave some flowers for Daniel's dad, Jim and Gabriel (they're buried together). But we didn't get around to doing that.
Late Father's Day evening we were watching a movie and relaxing after Halayna went to bed. I was laying there and feeling baby move. I could actually feel baby with my hand! So I told Daniel and grabbed his hand. He then felt baby move! It was so exciting! I don't remember getting to feel Halayna or Gabriel with my hand so early. I told Daniel I had to write it down so I don't forget when he first felt baby. Then he said, "Father's Day." I said, "oh yeah!"
How cool is that?

Feeling better

Well, I've been feeling much better lately. Posting pictures of Gabriel and writing him that note seemed to help.
I think the reason I was having a hard time was because of this new pregnancy reminding me so much of when I was pregnant of Gabriel. My mom gave me a collage of pictures of Gabriel on Mother's Day. I've been very grateful for that and the chance to just glance up in my living room to see him. I still haven't gotten any pictures printed myself. It's not that I don't want to it's just that I haven't. I haven't found the right frame either. And since we'll be moving soon, I don't want to set something up on my wall only to take it down.
Having the collage and seeing Gabriel often has really helped me remember Gabriel as Gabriel and this baby as this baby. It's helped me to seperate the two pregnancies.
I'm still comparing pregnancies between Halayna, Gabriel and this one. But I've found I can really seperate them now.
I've been feeling the baby move which has been such a wonderful feeling. It makes me smile and gets me giddy inside. I wonder what people might think seeing me smile for what they think is no reason. What a wonderful thing to have a beautiful child growing inside. I am so fortunate to experience this.
I've even talked to baby a few times. I tell him/her that I love him/her and that I can't wait to meet him/her and that I really want him/her. Halayna also talks to baby as if him/her is here. She kisses my tummy too. How precious!
So right now, I find my positivity and confidence coming back. My trust is in the Lord and that He'll take care of me. Jeremiah 29:11 comes to mind.

Tears

I am sitting here, with wet cheeks. After reading stories of other mothers who have children in heaven. There are so many! After reading about each one, I ask "God why?" "Why are our perfect, beautiful children taken from us?" I don't expect an answer. I just throw it out there. It is just so heartbreaking. So many others going through the same grief as I am. I feel so close to them. Like we're all in a special group together. Even though I've never met them. There will always be a connection with those other women.
What can I do? What can we do to help all of these hurting women out there? What can we do? There is just so much pain...

Don't forget about us. Don't forget about the babies not with us. Say their names. Talk about them. Cry for us. Pray for us. Listen to us. Let us know you're thinking about us. Don't forget...because we haven't.

My beautiful Gabriel

My beautiful Gabriel,

I miss you more than anything right now. Looking at your beautiful face in pictures makes me smile and cry. I wish you were here with me now but I know you're with our Father in Heaven running and playing. Playing "tickle toes" with your grandpa and sitting on Jesus' lap. I bet you've even met Paul and Noah, Abraham and Elijah. And probably your ancestors we've only read about. Even your older brother and sister. Before I get to see you again, know that I think of you often, everyday, and love you more than words can express. I will never forget you, my beautiful son, Gabriel.

Love, your mommy.

Positive and Confident

I can be honest and say that like the last week or week and a half have been hard on me. I've been constantly thinking about my son, Gabriel and missing him more than you can imagine. I've had a couple of dreams about him but nothing happy. I don't remember them I just remember the feeling after I woke up from them. And it wasn't an uplifting feeling.

The journey of grief takes you to so many different places and different thoughts. It changes you like you thought could never happen. So here I am trying to learn about the new me. Does that make sense? Trying to figure out who I really am now...

I went to church on Sunday where we heard the Worship pastor speak. He talked about passions. Our passions and how we could use them in the church or to benefit others.
That made me think about my passions. What are my passions? I always thought I knew what they were. But I think they kind of died with Gabriel. Or maybe just during this season of grief, they've died.
One passion of mine was crafts. How I usually love to create, to make things for not just myself but for others as well. I've had very little interest in spending a lot of time in my craft room. There were a few days that I was in there working on crafts but it ended. I am hoping it will come back.
Another passion was health. Eating healthy, being healthy. This one I've had tremendous conflict with. The fact that I was trying so hard to be healthy while being pregnant with Gabriel and how it didn't matter. It did no good. And it's not that I did a complete 180 and now I eat terribly. I still am trying to be healthy and natural but I find myself not caring so much anymore.
In fact I find myself not caring about a lot of things. Maybe this is just a process of grief. I used to be such a positive, confident person...at least that's what I think. I was very positive and confident about Gabriel and was for certain he was God's way of redeeming my two miscarriages. And when he died my confidence was shattered. All gone! Being positive is hard for me now. Something I have to really try hard for. When Gabriel died, it was a slap in the face that seemed to say, "take that you positive person!"
My mom has told me that she learned how important it is to be positive when you're pregnant. That what you say can affect the baby long term. And I agree. But I'm finding it so hard. How can I be positive and confident like I was with Gabriel? Especially since he died? I try and try but deep down inside I'm hoping everyday that my baby's heart is still beating. Is that being positive?
Now don't get me wrong, I'm so happy to be pregnant again and I really really REALLY want this baby! More than I'm sure I let on. But I suppose as a defense mechanism, I'm not letting myself become too positive or too confident so that I'm not let down again. But I want to be. How do I trick myself into being so confident again?
I don't think this baby will die. But can it happen? Well of course, I didn't think Gabriel was going to die and he did. Sin affects everyone! In different ways. No matter what.

So who am I now? Not entirely sure I guess. Somebody who's trying to find their way through the journey of grief I suppose. One day at a time.