I am so excited to announce that the marker is now in place at the cemetary where Gabriel was buried with his grandpa's ashes.
If you would like to visit here is the information:
Evergreen Memorial Gardens
Garden of Apostles
Space 1
Lot 424
I just found out it is now there so I haven't visited yet. I'm hoping to pick up my Mother-in-law and go do that soon!
I'm hoping having a place I can go and leave some flowers will help my grieving process and my road to healing!
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Monday, March 22, 2010
Memories...
Lately I've found myself...happy. Happy to have heartburn, happy that I'm on the toilet A LOT, happy that "the girls" hurt, happy that I get nauseated, happy that I'm tired...all the blessed pregnancy symptoms.
But there's always that "thought" in the back of my mind. What if this one, too, doesn't make it. Then God reminds me to trust Him. And I feel like I'm really trying. Putting this circumstance, this pregnancy, in His hands. There's really nothing else I can do anyways. But there's still a little fear...and I know fear is not of the Lord. So does that mean I'm not trusting Him enough? Or is this just another part of grief?
I guess maybe it's because I was really confident and trusting when I was pregnant with Gabriel and when he died, I felt really let down. Almost rejected...by God. And of course, I don't feel that now. I know that's a lie. God is perfect, He would never reject His children. I know that is truth. I'm just wondering if that is where this "fear" comes from.
Anyways, my prayer lately has been that I just don't want to be so sad anymore. I've been praying for the Lord to really restore joy in me. I want to be truly happy again.
I noticed a friend had her baby. Her second, a boy. And I saw a picture of him. I actually don't remember feeling jealous. I definately wasn't jumping up and down with joy but for the first time, I wasn't envious. Of course, I thought, how it would have been for me if Gabriel would have lived and how he would have looked just born. And that made me feel a little sorry for myself and a bit teary-eyed (of course that's been happening a lot with these raging horomones). But it was freeing to not feel that! Another part of grief that I've been praying about.
I've been trying to remember to pray the Lord's Prayer everyday. I'd love to do it every morning but sometimes I forget until I'm laying in bed at night and then I pray it. I would suggest that you too, might want to try it. Read it, repeat it, think about it, and then pray it. At least that's what I've been doing. Remember that book I told you I was reading? The one about the Lord's prayer? Well, I got to a section that was explaining it like this.
Our Father who is in heaven,
Let Your name be holy...on earth as it is in heaven.
Your kingdom come...on earth as it is in heaven.
Your will be done...on earth as it is in heaven.
So I tried it this way, this morning...the wee hours of 4:45 am...
My Father who is in heaven,
Let Your name be holy...TODAY...on earth as it is in heaven.
Your kingdom come...TODAY...on earth as it is in heaven.
Your will be done...TODAY...on earth as it is in heaven.
Definately a different way to look at the first part of the Lord's prayer. And then I prayed the rest of the prayer, while somewhat personalizing it.
I just think it's a really good way to pray. And when you aren't sure how to pray or what to pray for, at times, this really comes in handy!
On a whole different note...a little while ago I was thinking of my memories with Gabriel. A helpful way to grieve sometimes, is to remember the good memories of your loved one that has died. In my case, that's been difficult since there aren't a whole lot. But I thought I'd share a few of my pregnancy memories with you. A little piece of my baby boy you might not of known!
Things that made me feel sick or nauseated: Chicken, onion, garlic, brushing my teeth/tongue (gag feeling).
I craved salty foods and pasta with cream sauces.
I heard his heartbeat for the first time at my first appt. at 12 weeks along.
I felt him move the very first time at 16 weeks.
Daniel first felt him while we were camping at the coast with my family.
His ultrasound picture looked a lot like Halayna's. He had the same nose as her's.
He usually woke up around 11pm at night for all the somersaults and high activity!
Ready for this one? Since we didn't know what gender the baby was, we joked that is must have been a boy since he would wake up during and after intercourse...hehehe
His precious hiccups were very low...
He liked putting his feet up into my right ribs. I would periodically push them back down! :)
Sweet, sweet, memories.
Here he is.
But there's always that "thought" in the back of my mind. What if this one, too, doesn't make it. Then God reminds me to trust Him. And I feel like I'm really trying. Putting this circumstance, this pregnancy, in His hands. There's really nothing else I can do anyways. But there's still a little fear...and I know fear is not of the Lord. So does that mean I'm not trusting Him enough? Or is this just another part of grief?
I guess maybe it's because I was really confident and trusting when I was pregnant with Gabriel and when he died, I felt really let down. Almost rejected...by God. And of course, I don't feel that now. I know that's a lie. God is perfect, He would never reject His children. I know that is truth. I'm just wondering if that is where this "fear" comes from.
Anyways, my prayer lately has been that I just don't want to be so sad anymore. I've been praying for the Lord to really restore joy in me. I want to be truly happy again.
I noticed a friend had her baby. Her second, a boy. And I saw a picture of him. I actually don't remember feeling jealous. I definately wasn't jumping up and down with joy but for the first time, I wasn't envious. Of course, I thought, how it would have been for me if Gabriel would have lived and how he would have looked just born. And that made me feel a little sorry for myself and a bit teary-eyed (of course that's been happening a lot with these raging horomones). But it was freeing to not feel that! Another part of grief that I've been praying about.
I've been trying to remember to pray the Lord's Prayer everyday. I'd love to do it every morning but sometimes I forget until I'm laying in bed at night and then I pray it. I would suggest that you too, might want to try it. Read it, repeat it, think about it, and then pray it. At least that's what I've been doing. Remember that book I told you I was reading? The one about the Lord's prayer? Well, I got to a section that was explaining it like this.
Our Father who is in heaven,
Let Your name be holy...on earth as it is in heaven.
Your kingdom come...on earth as it is in heaven.
Your will be done...on earth as it is in heaven.
So I tried it this way, this morning...the wee hours of 4:45 am...
My Father who is in heaven,
Let Your name be holy...TODAY...on earth as it is in heaven.
Your kingdom come...TODAY...on earth as it is in heaven.
Your will be done...TODAY...on earth as it is in heaven.
Definately a different way to look at the first part of the Lord's prayer. And then I prayed the rest of the prayer, while somewhat personalizing it.
I just think it's a really good way to pray. And when you aren't sure how to pray or what to pray for, at times, this really comes in handy!
On a whole different note...a little while ago I was thinking of my memories with Gabriel. A helpful way to grieve sometimes, is to remember the good memories of your loved one that has died. In my case, that's been difficult since there aren't a whole lot. But I thought I'd share a few of my pregnancy memories with you. A little piece of my baby boy you might not of known!
Things that made me feel sick or nauseated: Chicken, onion, garlic, brushing my teeth/tongue (gag feeling).
I craved salty foods and pasta with cream sauces.
I heard his heartbeat for the first time at my first appt. at 12 weeks along.
I felt him move the very first time at 16 weeks.
Daniel first felt him while we were camping at the coast with my family.
His ultrasound picture looked a lot like Halayna's. He had the same nose as her's.
He usually woke up around 11pm at night for all the somersaults and high activity!
Ready for this one? Since we didn't know what gender the baby was, we joked that is must have been a boy since he would wake up during and after intercourse...hehehe
His precious hiccups were very low...
He liked putting his feet up into my right ribs. I would periodically push them back down! :)
Sweet, sweet, memories.
Here he is.
Gabriel James Wodtke, Born into the arms of Jesus, October 30, 2009.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Songs of joy...
Remember that emotional outbirst? The post labeled "Defeated". I thought for sure it was crazy girl horomones from PMS. I have to say I was wrong. Crazy girl horomones...yes! Crazy girl pregnancy horomones!
Yep that's right! "Aunt flow" didn't come on her scheduled day like she always does. So I picked up a test at the store and sure enough, there it was...that extra pink line!
There are mixed emotions. I am excited. I am going to take it day by day. And enjoy it day by day. I am still sad I don't have Gabriel and still miss him so much but I think this pregnancy will be very healing. And I am going to be positive about it I've decided.
I look forward to meeting this little one hopefully the day after Thanksgiving or around that time. Seems so far away. Maybe that's what the word "wait" has been about.
I said to Halayna, "Mommy has a tiny baby in her tummy." She said "I know." I asked, "Did somebody tell you?" She said, "No. I just know." And she, of course, wants a sister.
I've told a handful of people but other than that, you, my faithful blog readers, get to know firsthand! (I took the test yesterday).
So how do we pray now? It goes back to the Lord's prayer. "Let Your will be done on earth as it is in heaven." So that is my prayer. No matter what happens, Lord, remind me of Your never-ending love, Your promises, and that You will turn my mourning into gladness. Like you said in Jeremiah 31:13 "I will turn their mourning into gladness; I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow." "I want to trust in You, Lord, with all my heart and lean not on my own understanding; in all my ways I will acknowledge You, and You will make my paths straight.
(Prov. 3:5-6)"
"The Lord will do great things for me, and I will be filled with joy. I will sow in tears, then I will reap with songs of joy. If I go out weeping, carrying seed to sow, I will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with me. (Ps. 126:5-6) O God, please help me to be willing to sow the seed of Your Word and water it with my tears, believing You even in the midst of this terrible pain. If I do, You will be faithful to fill me with joy again. You will faithfully bring a harvest forth from my life. My suffering will not be in vain."
Yep that's right! "Aunt flow" didn't come on her scheduled day like she always does. So I picked up a test at the store and sure enough, there it was...that extra pink line!
There are mixed emotions. I am excited. I am going to take it day by day. And enjoy it day by day. I am still sad I don't have Gabriel and still miss him so much but I think this pregnancy will be very healing. And I am going to be positive about it I've decided.
I look forward to meeting this little one hopefully the day after Thanksgiving or around that time. Seems so far away. Maybe that's what the word "wait" has been about.
I said to Halayna, "Mommy has a tiny baby in her tummy." She said "I know." I asked, "Did somebody tell you?" She said, "No. I just know." And she, of course, wants a sister.
I've told a handful of people but other than that, you, my faithful blog readers, get to know firsthand! (I took the test yesterday).
So how do we pray now? It goes back to the Lord's prayer. "Let Your will be done on earth as it is in heaven." So that is my prayer. No matter what happens, Lord, remind me of Your never-ending love, Your promises, and that You will turn my mourning into gladness. Like you said in Jeremiah 31:13 "I will turn their mourning into gladness; I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow." "I want to trust in You, Lord, with all my heart and lean not on my own understanding; in all my ways I will acknowledge You, and You will make my paths straight.
(Prov. 3:5-6)"
"The Lord will do great things for me, and I will be filled with joy. I will sow in tears, then I will reap with songs of joy. If I go out weeping, carrying seed to sow, I will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with me. (Ps. 126:5-6) O God, please help me to be willing to sow the seed of Your Word and water it with my tears, believing You even in the midst of this terrible pain. If I do, You will be faithful to fill me with joy again. You will faithfully bring a harvest forth from my life. My suffering will not be in vain."
Monday, March 15, 2010
Wait...
I had a funny conversation with my daughter, Halayna, tonight and thought I'd share it.
We were talking about when she was in my tummy. She said "I wanted to get out of your tummy. So you can get another baby in there. Everyone has lots of babies."
I said, "I know, everyone except Mommy has lots of babies. Why doesn't Mommy have lots of babies?"
She said, "You have to wait." I said, "Yes, I know. That is what God has been saying too." Then I asked her, "Does Mommy like to wait?"
She said. "No!"
Then we laughed. We laughed a lot! But she's right. It takes a 4-year old to tell me to wait! To be patient. :)
We were talking about when she was in my tummy. She said "I wanted to get out of your tummy. So you can get another baby in there. Everyone has lots of babies."
I said, "I know, everyone except Mommy has lots of babies. Why doesn't Mommy have lots of babies?"
She said, "You have to wait." I said, "Yes, I know. That is what God has been saying too." Then I asked her, "Does Mommy like to wait?"
She said. "No!"
Then we laughed. We laughed a lot! But she's right. It takes a 4-year old to tell me to wait! To be patient. :)
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Re-charge...
Sorry about that last "depressive" blog. However, this is about the journey through grief and things like that do happen.
I am feeling much better today. We slept in super late this morning. We skipped church and had some nice family time. Nice "down" time. A
re-charge so to speak. We took Halayna to a park, after getting much needed coffee and we all played together. Then had some retail therapy (always a good thing in my mind) and came home to some "comfort" food. However after too much "comfort" food, my stomach is not a happy place so I'm now opting for a salad!
I found out that I'm not scheduled at either store (old or new) tomorrow so I suppose I have the day off. Maybe some kind of scheduling or communication error. Maybe a way of God giving me more time to
re-charge with my family. So far I'm hoping to work on Saturday at least!
Anyways, I am still irritated that everywhere I go, there always seems to be a woman with a baby. Halayna will say, "look, a baby" and I comment that yes, everyone except me has a baby... :(
Someday I suppose there will be that hope of having one live again...until then I still have to go through this sucky journey of grief. Thanks for reading along and coming beside me in prayer and putting up with my, "cup is half empty" episodes.
I have to trust in truth and not emotions at this time. Truth is that my mourning will turn into dancing and that I will be full of joy once again. So that is my hope, yet again.
Now off to more family time! :)
I am feeling much better today. We slept in super late this morning. We skipped church and had some nice family time. Nice "down" time. A
re-charge so to speak. We took Halayna to a park, after getting much needed coffee and we all played together. Then had some retail therapy (always a good thing in my mind) and came home to some "comfort" food. However after too much "comfort" food, my stomach is not a happy place so I'm now opting for a salad!
I found out that I'm not scheduled at either store (old or new) tomorrow so I suppose I have the day off. Maybe some kind of scheduling or communication error. Maybe a way of God giving me more time to
re-charge with my family. So far I'm hoping to work on Saturday at least!
Anyways, I am still irritated that everywhere I go, there always seems to be a woman with a baby. Halayna will say, "look, a baby" and I comment that yes, everyone except me has a baby... :(
Someday I suppose there will be that hope of having one live again...until then I still have to go through this sucky journey of grief. Thanks for reading along and coming beside me in prayer and putting up with my, "cup is half empty" episodes.
I have to trust in truth and not emotions at this time. Truth is that my mourning will turn into dancing and that I will be full of joy once again. So that is my hope, yet again.
Now off to more family time! :)
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Defeated...
Well...today I feel extremely defeated.
Maybe it's just raging PMS that is causing me to be so irritated. I don't know but as soon as I entered the walk-in freezer at work, I felt defeated, angry, upset, annoyed, sad...ahhh yes, probably PMS symptoms.
I had a hard time focusing at work. I even had a mini cry session in the back. I don't think anyone heard my sniffles. I hope not at least.
It was my last day at that peticular store. I am transferring to a much closer-to-home store on Monday. I started there right after Daniel and I were married a little more than 7 years ago so it's a happy/sad transfer.
I think a lot is going on right now that is just sucking the energy out of me.
I have been trying sooooooo hard to be happy for "friends" that are on their second baby. So I'm done. I don't care anymore. I don't have the energy anymore.
I feel like screaming...IT'S NOT FAIR!!!!!!!!!!!! And it's not.
I flushed pieces of my second baby down the toilet. I handed my third baby off to my midwife in a plastic sandwich baggy. And buried my fourth baby. In the last 5 years, I have been pregnant 4 times and I have only one child to hug.
What does God want from me?
So many people have said that through this experience, I will get to "help" others. Help them how? Their babies die so that I have some worth? So I will be able to "help" them? How can I help anyone when I am feeling so defeated?
My brother told me that he and his wife are expecting...again. Automatically, the thought pops into my mind "so is their baby going to die so I can walk down this awful road with them? Is this who I am going to be 'helping'?" Of course I hope not. At the same time I was thinking, what if their baby lives? Then it happens again. I am left with nothing but heartbreak when they're rejoicing with a new baby. Feelings of 2008 flooding back to my mind.
I just want another baby. But this life is so hard to live. I find myself asking why I would even think about bringing another person into such a hard life. Why do I have such a desire?
So many people have told me Gabriel and the other two are better off in heaven. Sure. I don't doubt that for a second. So then, why should I care so much? I know people say those things to try to be comforting. But it doesn't really help. Not right now. I can't see my children in heaven. I can't kiss their cheeks or hug them. I can't hear their laughter or snuggle them when they cry. I have been totally ripped off.
I am just so frustrated. I feel so defeated. So alone. So rejected.
I was feeling great a week ago. Now, I feel like I did two months ago. Back down in the awful pit of grief. And it sucks. Big time.
Like I said, maybe it's overactive crazy girl horomones...maybe, just maybe, I'll feel better in another week.
Lord, I am in agony. I don't know what else to pray for besides help. So I'll keep it simple. Lord, help me please.
Maybe it's just raging PMS that is causing me to be so irritated. I don't know but as soon as I entered the walk-in freezer at work, I felt defeated, angry, upset, annoyed, sad...ahhh yes, probably PMS symptoms.
I had a hard time focusing at work. I even had a mini cry session in the back. I don't think anyone heard my sniffles. I hope not at least.
It was my last day at that peticular store. I am transferring to a much closer-to-home store on Monday. I started there right after Daniel and I were married a little more than 7 years ago so it's a happy/sad transfer.
I think a lot is going on right now that is just sucking the energy out of me.
I have been trying sooooooo hard to be happy for "friends" that are on their second baby. So I'm done. I don't care anymore. I don't have the energy anymore.
I feel like screaming...IT'S NOT FAIR!!!!!!!!!!!! And it's not.
I flushed pieces of my second baby down the toilet. I handed my third baby off to my midwife in a plastic sandwich baggy. And buried my fourth baby. In the last 5 years, I have been pregnant 4 times and I have only one child to hug.
What does God want from me?
So many people have said that through this experience, I will get to "help" others. Help them how? Their babies die so that I have some worth? So I will be able to "help" them? How can I help anyone when I am feeling so defeated?
My brother told me that he and his wife are expecting...again. Automatically, the thought pops into my mind "so is their baby going to die so I can walk down this awful road with them? Is this who I am going to be 'helping'?" Of course I hope not. At the same time I was thinking, what if their baby lives? Then it happens again. I am left with nothing but heartbreak when they're rejoicing with a new baby. Feelings of 2008 flooding back to my mind.
I just want another baby. But this life is so hard to live. I find myself asking why I would even think about bringing another person into such a hard life. Why do I have such a desire?
So many people have told me Gabriel and the other two are better off in heaven. Sure. I don't doubt that for a second. So then, why should I care so much? I know people say those things to try to be comforting. But it doesn't really help. Not right now. I can't see my children in heaven. I can't kiss their cheeks or hug them. I can't hear their laughter or snuggle them when they cry. I have been totally ripped off.
I am just so frustrated. I feel so defeated. So alone. So rejected.
I was feeling great a week ago. Now, I feel like I did two months ago. Back down in the awful pit of grief. And it sucks. Big time.
Like I said, maybe it's overactive crazy girl horomones...maybe, just maybe, I'll feel better in another week.
Lord, I am in agony. I don't know what else to pray for besides help. So I'll keep it simple. Lord, help me please.
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Prayer...
Ok, so I know it's been forever since I've written last. Time alone in the house is sometimes hard to come by! :)
So I've been thinking a lot about prayer lately. I found myself asking how should I pray? That might seem odd but maybe you've found yourself asking the same thing. Here's how I got there.
In my very darkest time in my grief, I was questioning prayer. Does it really work. Let me just clarify, that I have gotten past that point and I do think prayer is very important. Anyways, I was thinking, during that time, about how much I prayed for every child of mine from the minute I found out I was pregnant. I prayed for them to be born healthy, well...and cute too! :) And you know that Halayna was the only one born alive and well. So that got me thinking about prayer. The whole time I prayed for them, God knew the three would die eventually. That I would never hear them cry or know them. All that praying seemed to be for nothing, that even if I prayed, it didn't do any good. That I couldn't change God's mind and that He would allow sin to cause them to die. So that got me thinking.
Now that Daniel and I are trying to expand our family yet again (it is exciting), I've thought about how I should pray. What do I pray for exactly? And this question had been in my head for quite a while.
Conviently enough, God answered it as He often does. He had a guy from our church give a sermon on praying the Lord's prayer. The prayer He told His deciples to pray. Which is very much still valid today. And that was my answer of how I should pray!
"Our Father in heaven,
let Your name be holy,
let Your kingdom come,
and let Your will be done
on earth as it is in heaven.
Give us today our daily bread.
Forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors.
Lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from the evil one.
For the kingdom and the power
and the glory belong to You!
Amen!"
I got this version from a book written by the guy that gave the sermon. The book is about praying the Lord's prayer. I haven't read it all yet, in fact, I just started but so far it's pretty good.
Well, I've gone over the prayer and have thought about it a lot. So here's what I've been thinking about it and praying...
"Our Father in heaven, let Your name be holy."
Lord, my Father, You are worthy of praise. Even in the midst of my deepest grief and feelings of loss, You are worthy to be praised. Help me to give my praise to You even when I don't feel like it or am feeling rejected by You even though I know I am really not.
"Let Your kingdome come, and let Your will be done on earth as it is in heaven."
Lord, no matter what happens, let YOUR will be done. If I get pregnant with Your child (You're letting me borrow for a bit) and they go to be with You before me and that is Your will, then let it be done. If it means I get to keep Your child for longer and that is Your will, then let it be done. I give it to You. Let Your will be done on earth as it is in Heaven.
"Give us today our daily bread."
Lord, give me what I need to get through this day. I am going to put my trust in You to provide for my needs for me today and tomorrow.
"Forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors."
Lord, forgive me for my shortcomings, for my sins. Please help me to forgive others as you have forgiven me.
"Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one."
Lord, help me to call on You during moments of temptation. Stay between me and the evil one so that he has no way of filling my head with his lies.
"For the kingdom and the power and the glory belong to You!"
There has even been times when I just didn't know what to pray for. So I asked the Holy Spirit to intercede for me. God knows me. He knows what is good for me. He knows me better than I know myself. I can tell Him my desires even though I know that He already knows them. I still do. I tell Him how badly I would like another child.
When I pray the Lord's prayer, I am confident that no matter what happens, that I'll get through it and that His will will be done on earth as it is in heaven. It's trusting God. His goodness and faithfulness. It's knowing, He will give me the desires of my heart. It is trusting He will give me what I truly need. I don't always understand it, believe me, I feel like I have a permanent question mark over my head but God's ways are not our ways. He is God. We can't put him into a box. Eventually we'll know His reasons for things. Until then, I have faith. Faith that His will for me, is perfect.
"Lord God, Your Holy Spirit helps me in my weakness. I do not know what I ought to pray for, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for me with groans that words cannot express. And He who searches my heart knows the mind of the Spirit, because Your Spirit intercedes for me in accordance with Your will. (Rom. 8:38-39)"
So I've been thinking a lot about prayer lately. I found myself asking how should I pray? That might seem odd but maybe you've found yourself asking the same thing. Here's how I got there.
In my very darkest time in my grief, I was questioning prayer. Does it really work. Let me just clarify, that I have gotten past that point and I do think prayer is very important. Anyways, I was thinking, during that time, about how much I prayed for every child of mine from the minute I found out I was pregnant. I prayed for them to be born healthy, well...and cute too! :) And you know that Halayna was the only one born alive and well. So that got me thinking about prayer. The whole time I prayed for them, God knew the three would die eventually. That I would never hear them cry or know them. All that praying seemed to be for nothing, that even if I prayed, it didn't do any good. That I couldn't change God's mind and that He would allow sin to cause them to die. So that got me thinking.
Now that Daniel and I are trying to expand our family yet again (it is exciting), I've thought about how I should pray. What do I pray for exactly? And this question had been in my head for quite a while.
Conviently enough, God answered it as He often does. He had a guy from our church give a sermon on praying the Lord's prayer. The prayer He told His deciples to pray. Which is very much still valid today. And that was my answer of how I should pray!
"Our Father in heaven,
let Your name be holy,
let Your kingdom come,
and let Your will be done
on earth as it is in heaven.
Give us today our daily bread.
Forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors.
Lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from the evil one.
For the kingdom and the power
and the glory belong to You!
Amen!"
I got this version from a book written by the guy that gave the sermon. The book is about praying the Lord's prayer. I haven't read it all yet, in fact, I just started but so far it's pretty good.
Well, I've gone over the prayer and have thought about it a lot. So here's what I've been thinking about it and praying...
"Our Father in heaven, let Your name be holy."
Lord, my Father, You are worthy of praise. Even in the midst of my deepest grief and feelings of loss, You are worthy to be praised. Help me to give my praise to You even when I don't feel like it or am feeling rejected by You even though I know I am really not.
"Let Your kingdome come, and let Your will be done on earth as it is in heaven."
Lord, no matter what happens, let YOUR will be done. If I get pregnant with Your child (You're letting me borrow for a bit) and they go to be with You before me and that is Your will, then let it be done. If it means I get to keep Your child for longer and that is Your will, then let it be done. I give it to You. Let Your will be done on earth as it is in Heaven.
"Give us today our daily bread."
Lord, give me what I need to get through this day. I am going to put my trust in You to provide for my needs for me today and tomorrow.
"Forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors."
Lord, forgive me for my shortcomings, for my sins. Please help me to forgive others as you have forgiven me.
"Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one."
Lord, help me to call on You during moments of temptation. Stay between me and the evil one so that he has no way of filling my head with his lies.
"For the kingdom and the power and the glory belong to You!"
There has even been times when I just didn't know what to pray for. So I asked the Holy Spirit to intercede for me. God knows me. He knows what is good for me. He knows me better than I know myself. I can tell Him my desires even though I know that He already knows them. I still do. I tell Him how badly I would like another child.
When I pray the Lord's prayer, I am confident that no matter what happens, that I'll get through it and that His will will be done on earth as it is in heaven. It's trusting God. His goodness and faithfulness. It's knowing, He will give me the desires of my heart. It is trusting He will give me what I truly need. I don't always understand it, believe me, I feel like I have a permanent question mark over my head but God's ways are not our ways. He is God. We can't put him into a box. Eventually we'll know His reasons for things. Until then, I have faith. Faith that His will for me, is perfect.
"Lord God, Your Holy Spirit helps me in my weakness. I do not know what I ought to pray for, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for me with groans that words cannot express. And He who searches my heart knows the mind of the Spirit, because Your Spirit intercedes for me in accordance with Your will. (Rom. 8:38-39)"
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