Update...finally!

I apologize for the lack of blogging lately. With the move and setting up the house and no internet access from home, I've definetely slacked on my blog. So my apologies and wanted to let you know that no, I have not fallen off the face of the earth. So here's a few updates.

End of August. Our house was moved and have spent much time getting it set up. We are STILL in the process of unpacking some boxes and trying to get rid of things we don't need anymore. What a chore! But a good distraction from my grief.

September. It was a hard month. I tried to figure out why it was so hard but as I've learned with grief, there is no rhyme or reason for feeling bad. Grief is a rollercoaster. I did have an ah-ha moment when I realized my nephew's 2nd birthday was coming up. My second baby (first miscarriage) was due two days after my nephew was due. That reason along with the fact that it was getting closer to October and the time I lost Gabriel may be the reason.
A lot of tears...

Beginning of October. I'm feeling a little better this month which is odd to me. Thinking I would be having a hard time...maybe when it get's closer to the end of the month. Not sure.
I am 33 weeks pregnant now. I do find myself thinking about how much "Sweet Pea" is moving (like right now :)) and loving every bit of it. I am just so happy to be here pregnant with her. I will be having an ultrasound next week just to make sure everything is going well. My midwife said, if anything, for peace of mind. Am I worried? Not too much. I'm nervous but not about the ultrasound necessarily as just being at the 34 week mark which is when Gabriel died. I am being hopeful and positive though and I really think "Sweet Pea" will be fine!

I still think of Gabriel everyday. His first birthday is coming up so that's probably why he's on my mind a lot. I talk about him still. Look at his pictures and cry or smile because he was so beautiful. I miss him terribly. I even am feeling irritated again that I don't have him. It passes rather quickly but it's still there. I still want him. I pray about him often. Here I am almost a year after his death and it's still hard. I think it will always be hard. Having to bury your child is just so unnatural. Or maybe it's not but just feels like it.
Being an American, we have so much. If we want it, we find a way to have it. But this is one thing that there is no way to have even though I want it badly enough. Maybe that's why loss is so hard for us to deal with sometimes. Maybe it's hard for everyone, no matter their circumstances. I guess I just know what I'm going through at this time in my grief.

Thank you all for your continued prayers for our family. I will ask for you to continue as I get closer to the 34 week mark and closer to Gabriel's birthday. I don't want to be a miserable person on or around his birthday. I want to look at it as a gift rather than something that was taken away from me. And I know in order to achieve that, I'll need prayer. I'll need the Lord to help me through it. "Lord, help me and my family through these next few weeks."