Um...7 Years? Oops!

So yeah...just came across my blog that I was writing 7 YEARS AGO!! I must apologize to any of you that was wondering what had happened to me...and my children. So I'm pretty sure nobody will read this but on the occasion that someone might stop by...let me catch you up.

My daughter, Amaris Joy was born on Thanksgiving day 11/25/10 at 4:31 am. She weighed 8 lbs and was 20" long.

The name Amaris is Hebrew and means, "God's promise or God promises".  After her big brother, Gabriel died, my prayer was that God would fill me with joy once again.  That was His promise to me and He fulfilled that.  That is why we named her Amaris Joy (God promises joy).
She came into this world, giving me an exciting birth story...3 hour labor, barely made it to the hospital, lucky it was a holiday otherwise she would have been born in the car, and she was born 9 minutes after we got to the hospital.  My husband didn't even get a chance to park the car.  I laugh thinking about that day.  Such joy! Such joy!
I remember laying there on the bed and all of a sudden, there she was, crying on my chest.  My joy. My promise.  The one I had been waiting a long time for.
She was a beautiful baby! Now she is a beautiful 6 year old. I've been told by many, who don't know my story, how sweet she is and the joy they can see in her.  It makes my heart happy.  She is my Sweet Pea (yes, I still call her that) and my Amaris Joy.

My tooth-less girl! :)

So...fast forwarding a couple more years...
My last child, Samuel Jesse was born 12/20/2012 at 11:21 pm and weighed 8.1 lbs.  The name Samuel means "God hears" and the name Jesse means "gift of God".
After losing Gabriel, it was my hope and prayer to have another son that I could be a mother to, here on earth.  God heard my prayer and blessed me with Samuel.

Samuel is now a crazy 4 year old.  Always busy, noisy, and silly but can be very dramatic at times.  He's a strong kid.  Not only physically but strong-willed as well.  He's my baby.  Our last.  #6.

Trying to find a recent picture of him without a goofy look on his face is not an easy task...so this is what I found.  He's enjoying the ocean.

Halayna is now 11 years old and beautiful!

We still talk about Gabriel.  Halayna doesn't remember a lot.  I've told Amaris and Samuel about their big brother.  Amaris understands that Gabriel is in heaven.  Samuel doesn't but we still talk about him.  Because of Gabriel, my children have somewhat of a clear understanding of death.  They're very aware of the fact that death is very much a part of life.  It's hard (for me) that they have had to learn about it at such a young age but would that make it easier on them later on?  It's a question I've asked myself numerous times.

7 years.

Gabriel would be 7 years old. I can't even imagine my life with him...I couldn't imagine it without him...this journey has been long...and it's still going.  Yes, my grief is different today then 7 years ago but is still there with me like an unwanted guest at times.  Grief visited me today even...
My husband and I took our kids to the zoo today.  We don't often have days off together and thought it was a good time to do something nice for the kids.  The whole time I'm worried about where each kid was at all times (typical mother right?).  Even when I saw all 3 of my kids standing in front of me, I thought, "nope, somethings not right...who am I missing?"  This thought often comes to mind in various circumstances.  Then I remember "oh yeah, there is somebody missing."  And grief comes on by and hangs out for a bit.  This is the journey.

I still write in my grief journal...not often though.  I will write sometimes on Gabriel's birthday.  It's mostly a letter that I write to him.  Maybe I'll post some here...or do I wait another 7 years?  Ahhhhh what my life will be like in another 7 years...